THE MOST EXTRAVAGANT SARCASM OF THE AGE ! 



TRAGIC TABLEAU COMEDY, 



— ENTITLED — 



Lsssons in Search cf Sreatns. 






OR, 



STEPPl SOWS HE LADDER! 

Four Intermissions, and Fourteen Scenes 
Each Scene Closing with an Exciting Tableau. 

By SIMON M. LANDIS, M. D. 



Author of " The Devil's Kingdom." '< The Social War of 1900 ; 

or, The Conspirators and Lovers." "The Insane Lover; or, 

Fate of the Libertine." "The Fiend; or, Torturer of 

Innocence." "Mesmer.the Terror of the Rich," &c. 



PRINTED, BUT NOT PUBLISHED, 

By the Author, Dr. 8. M. Landis, at his Medical Institution, 

13 North Eleventh Street, Philadelphia., Pa. 

1875. 



THE MOST EXTRAVAGANT SARCASM OF THE AGE ! 



TRAGIC TABLEAU COMEDY, 



— ENTITLED — 



Lesson: in Search of Greatness: 



Stiff HO DOWN TIE LADDER ! 

Four Intermissions, and Fourteen Scenes. 
Each Scene Closing with an Exciting Tableau. 

By SIMON M. LANDIS, M. D. 

Author of " The Devil's Kingdom." << The Social War of 1900 ; 

or, The Conspirators and Lovers." "The Insane Lover; or, 

Fate of the Libertine." " The Fiend ; or, Torturer of 

Innocence." " Mesmer, the Terror of the Rich," &c. 



PRINTED, BUT NOT PUBLISHED, 

By the Author, Br. S. M. Landis, at his Medical Institution, 

13 North Eleventh Street, Philadelphia, Pa. 

1875. 

T 






CHARACTERS AND COSTUMES. 

age. SCENE I. 

16. Simon Pure, Esq. Linen suit, wide pants, long coat, broad brim straw 

hat. (Overalls.) 
35. Prof. Phrenology. Genteel black, modern suit. . 
30. William Stover. Coarse grey farm suit. 
Farmers. 

SCENE II. 

19. Simon Pure, Esq. Dark modern suit. 
30. Jim. Modern servant's suit. 

55. Mrs. Kheumatics. Genteel dark modern suit. 
16. Miss Sweetness. Fashionable modern genteel suit. 
Mr. Sexton and Neighbors. 

SCENE III. 
25. Mr. Thickhead. Gay suit. Other characters as in Scene II. 
SCENE IV. 

20. Simon Pure, Esq. Common country suit. 

30. Mr. Six Footer. Coarse farm suit,' shirt sleeves, pants in boots-. 
35. Mr. Farmer. Similar to Mr. Six Footer. 

13. Master Homely Footer. Common boy's suit. 

School Directors, Scholars, &c. 

SCENE V. 

21. Simon Pure, Esq. Genteel new black suit. 
24. Tom. Beau of Miss Aptitude. Country suit. 
18. Miss Aptitude. Plain Country suit. 

20. Miss Blank. Similar to Miss Aptitude. 

Young Ladies and Gentlemen. 

SCENE VI. 
40. Prof. Contraria Contrariis. Dark genteel suit. 

Medical Students. Simon Pure, Esq., as in Scene V. 

SCENE VII. 
50. Mrs. Scolditis. Modern old lady's dress. 

Jim and Family. Simon Pure, Esq., as in Scene V. 

SCENE VIII. 

21. Mrs. Simon Pure. Dark stylish modern dress. 
35. Prof. Similibus. Genteel modern dark suit. 
40. Dr. Homeo. Similar to Prof. Similibus. 

Attendants. Jim and Simon Pure, Esq., as before. 

SCENE IX. 

24. Simon Pure, Esq. Fashionable broad cloth suit. 
45. Mr. Loveliness. Genteel modern suit. 

20. Miss Loveliness. Stylish modern suit. 

22. Mrs. Simon Pure, No. 2. Stylish modern light suit. 

Servants. 

SCENE X. 
45. Mr. Nervous Sot. Dressing gown. 

25. Peter. Common servant's dress. 

''■ Family and Simon Pure, Esq., as in Scene IX, 

SCENE XI. 
30. Simon Pure, Esq. Dark suit, white cravat, standing shirt collar, with 
overcoat. 

14. Boy. Common suit. 

Spectators and Strong-Minded women. 



TMP96-U07G99 



SCENE XII. 
40. Simon Pure, Esq. Overcoat off, same as in Scene XI. 
:">0. Mr. Man. Ordinary modern suit. 
40. Officer. Usual Court suit. 

40. Mrs. Prosecuting Attorney. Genteel dark suit, Yankee style. 
Lady Jury, Spectators and Prisoners. 

SCENE XIII. 
-4."). SlMON PURE, Esq. Fashionable black suit. 

i0. M ISS Dom i STEER. A strong-minded white woman. Plain Yankee suit. 
30. Mrs. Simon Pure, Esq., No. :). Anti- Woman's Righter, fierce and dan- 
gerous. Genteel dark modern street suit. 
Strong-Minded White and Colored Female Spectators. 

SCENE XIV. 
45. Simon Pure, Esq. As in Scene XIII. 
30. Thaddeus Stevens, Jr. Fop Negro. Yankee suit. 
l.">. Mr. Democrat. Fine broad cloth suit, slovenly. 

— White Male Senators. All ages, and all sorts of suits. 

— Strong-Minded White Female Senators. Ages and dresses varying. 

— Colored Male and Female Senators. Ages and dresses varyiug. 
35. Two Colored Goddesses of Liberty. 

Officers, Spectators, &c. 



Entered according to tut) act of Congress, in the year 1874 and 1*75, b.v SIMOX M. 
LANDIS, M. D. in the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, D. C. 



Lessons ii Search of Greatness; 



OR, 



STEPPING DOWN THE LADDER. 



SCENE I. 

Lawn of Simon Pure, Esq. Prof. Phrenology examines his 
head, and he is cutting Wm. Stover's hair. 

Simon Pure, Esq. — My father wants me to become a farm- 
er; yes, I am to drive these "cussed" oxen, and work in that 
stone quarry after I have hauled all the stones to the lime-kiln ! 
Oh ! I am blasted mad ! I could bite a log thain in two ! [Looks 
raving mad.'] Father imposes all the dirty work upon me, and 
when I hurry all week to get everything finished by Saturday 
noon, so I can prepare for a little courting fun at old Steinmetz's ; 
he — my ignorant father — says : Simon you are a good boy to have 
hurried with the work, now go to bed early to-night, because you 
must be tired ! Then, you ought to see my insides kicking and 
rumbling with aggravated rage ! Yes, I get so fiery indignant that 
I could kill everything before me ! [Raves.] Damnation! Accur- 
sed be the dirty farm work ! I'll search for greatness, if I rot in 
the attempt ! [ Cools down.] Well, well, 1 must do something that 
will make me great ! 

[Enter Prof. Phrenology.] 
Halloo ! there's a fine looking man, I wonder what he does for a 
living! [To him.] Say, Mr. Man, what are you doing for a liv- 
ing, you have such smooth hands and soft head ? 

Prof. Phrenology. — [Aside.] Curse the little whipper-snapper. 
[To him.] Sir, I am an itinerant Phrenologist. 

S. P., Esq. — [Aside.] Itin-rant-phrenol-gist. What is that I 
wonder ! Can it be a preacher? I'll try and find out. [To him.] 
Say, nice-looking, Mr. Itin-rant-phrenol-gist, what do you do for 
a living — 

Prof. P. — Have I not told you, my young man, that I am a 
Phrenologist. 

S. P., Esq. — [Aside. ] Now, he is a Phrenol-gist. But a while 
ago he was the other thing. [ To him.] What do you do for a liv- 
ing? 



Lessons in Search of Greatness. 5 

Prof. P. — Ha! ha! ha! Why I feel people's heads and tell 
them where their greatness lies — 

8. P., Esq. — The devil you do ! Tell me mine, because I have a 
madness to become great, I am in search of that article. 

Prof. P. — -I will do it, but you had better know my terms, be- 
fore I go to work. 

8. P., Esq. — -[Aside.] Terms! What does he mean by terms? 
[ To Mm.~\ You want me to know your terms before you go to work ! 
Well let me see your terms, and then quickly go to work and tell 
me my greatness, before my stupid father comes home, or he'll 
send you off. 

Prof. P. — Do you understand me ? [Holding out Ms hand.] 

8. P., Esq.— Yen, I understand you. You want me to know your 
terms, but you did not show them to me yet, please trot them out — 

Prof. P. — -I want fifty cents, before I examine you ! 

8. P., Esq. — Fifty cents before you examine me ! Damn me, 
fifty cents is a great deal of money, and I wont be examined by 
you or any one else, if you'd give me a dollar. 

Prof P. — All right, my boy ! my services don't go begging. 
Good day Sir. [Moves off.] 

S, P., Esq. — Stop ! stop ! fine man ; don't go yet, I'll go in the 
house and get the fifty cents, if you will tell me where my greatness 
lies without examining me — ■ 

Prof P. — I can't do it. [Angry.] 

8. P., Esq. — [Aside-] I hate to strip all my clothes off out here, 
my dear little Sallie Mohler might see me ! But let me see. [Med- 
itates.] I might ask him into the house, but Mother and my 
Sisters are so inquisitive, that I cannot do that. I'll try it out here. 
[To Mm.] Nice man, I go and bring the fifty cents. Wait a 
little. [Exit S. P. Esq.] 

Prof. P. — What a sin, to raise children in such ignorance. 
This youth is very apt, and if his father would give him an educa- 
tion, he would make a first-class citizen. I'll write a note to his 
father, soliciting him to give the boy an education. 
[Be-E nter S. P. Esq.] 

8. P., Esq. — Say, Mr. Itin-phrenolges, you must hurry up and 
examine me quickly, because I wouldn't be seen naked for the 
world — [Begins to undo and throw off his clothes speedily.] 

Prof P. — Stop, stop, don't undress yourself. [Catches and 
holds him.] 

8. P., Esq. — What do you say ? Are you going to examine me 
through my clothes, and charge me fifty cents for an outside 
examination? No sir, old fellow, fine as you look, [In a rage.] 
you cannot bamboozle me in that manner! I want the thing done 
right or not at all ; do you mind that ? 

Prof. P. — Ha ! ha ! ha ! You poor boy, do not understand me ; 
it is your head, not your body that I want to examine to tell your 
greatness ! 

8. P., Esq. — Why in thunder didn't you say so at first? [Sits on 
a stool.] Go ahead then and do it quickly ; here is your money. 
[Hands him fifty cents.] 



6 Lessons in Search of Greatness; 

Prof. P- — [Feels his bumps.] You are impulsive, energetic, 
quick to perceive, soon angry and soon over it, love the girls, would 
go to the end of your life to surmount obstacles, love to rule others, 
will make a powerful inventor and discoverer, fearless, courageous, 
fiery, open, rough and yet very cautious in case of danger, beloved 
by the women, a master of everything you undertake, and searcher 
after novelties. Go ahead young man, and learn even from an en- 
emy, when you will become the greatest man that ever lived. You 
will never make a farmer, mechanic, nor anything except a pro- 
fessional man of the first water. Get your father to give you an 
education, when you will rise in the world like a man when he 
runs at two-forty up stairs. I have done ! 

S. P., Esq. — My Mars ! all that for fifty cents ! I'll beswitched, 
if I don't believe every word you have uttered, with the exception 
of a few words which I do not understand, but with such talents 
for greatness, my fine-looking man, I will soon study the meaning 
of everything ! I am hell on finding things out — 

Prof. P. — Now Sir, I must leave you. [Hands Mm a note.] 
Here, give this letter to your father, it will show him the necessity 
of giving you an education ! Farewell. [Exit Prof. P.] 

S. P., Esq. — [Meditates aloud, alone.] I always felt in my 
inners, that I was born to be a great man! the way my pulse 
beats for lofty positions, when I see nice-looking professional men, 
like doctors, lawyers, school teachers, barbers, horse jockeys, and 
idlers generally, convinced me long ago that I was more by far 
than a common man ! Yes, by jingoes, I'll step boldly out and up, 
and if I must upset the whole world ; because, great minds, like 
mine, don't mind trifles ; but, now what shall I do first, in the 
advent of my lofty career ? I have neither money nor anything 
else, except these tools. [Pulls a comb and a pair of scissors 
front, his pocket.] By my own sweetness! I'll commence the 
barbering profession ! Here comes William Stover, our stone- 
quarry man ; I'll persuade him to let me cut his hair. 
[Enter Wm. Stover.] 

Wm. Stover. — Simon, we must go to work in the quarry. 

S. P., Esq. — Say, Billy, look here, your hair is ungodly long, 
let me cut it after the latest style — 

Wm. S. — I have no objections, if you cut it nicely — 

S. P., Esq. — Gf course, I will; I am an expert at that business. 
Sit down here. [Stool.] 

Wm. S- — But you must hurry, because your father will be here 
soon — [Back to audience.] 

S. P., Esq. — Never mind, I'll hurry. [Aside.] My heavens ! 1 
am awfully nervous. [Shakes*] I don't know a thing about cut- 
ting hair ; but as I am to be a great man, I'll do it — 

Wm. 8. — [Fixed with towel around his throat, fyc, sitting 
Still'] Simon, what are you doing? hurry up. 

8. P-, Esq. — [Aside.] Doing; you'll find out what I am doing 
very soon. [To him.] Now sit still, and don't move until I have 
touched you off in the very latest style ! [He goes at him, cutting 
to the bare skin the first clip, so as to expose it freely. Stops and 



Or, Stepping Down the Ladder. 7 

looks amazed. Aside.] My Mars! look at that ; that will never 
do, but thank fortune it is on the back of his bead where he can't 
see it! [Trembles.] 

Writ. S> — Why do you stop and mumble ? 

S- P-, Esq. — Shut up your mouth ! Don't you want your hair 
cut nicely, in the latest style ? 

Wm. S. — Yes, of course I do. 

S. P., Esq. — Then, be quiet. [Aside.] There it goes again. 
[Cuts notch after notch, but by the time he gets in front Tie has 
learned the secret of cutting without notching.'] Ah ! I have 
learned, the secret of doing it right. Look here boys — [Covers up 
the back of his head.] 

[Enter Farmers. ] 

Farmers. — [Shout and laugh.] Look at Simon; he has turned 
barber! [Spy the spots, towel falls off.] Ha ! ha ! ha! look at 
that— 

S, P., Esq. — [Blinks, motions, fyc] Be silent, you poor thick- 
headed boobies, you don't know what is the latest style! [Exit 
Farmers.] 

Wm. S. — Simon, haven't you cut my hair too short ? [Rubs his 
hand over it.] 

S. P., Esq. — Certainly not. You wanted the very latest style, 
and you have got it. [Aside.] Got it notched like a leopard. 1 
must urge him to leave now, before he will discover my little im- 
perfections. 

Wm. S. — [Fixes his clothes, fyc] Have you a looking glass 
handy ? I want to see your very latest style — 

S. P., Esq. — [Trembling.] No Sir, I have no glass; listen, I 
hear father coming, so you had better hurry oif to the quarry ; 
I'll be with you as soon as I get my tools put away ! 

Wm. S.— All right, I'll be off. [Exit.] 

S. P., Esq. — [Sighs.] O my ! what a relief to get him off my 
hands! [Arranges his tools.] But those "cussed" stupid farm- 
-hands will surely tell him of those spots on the back of his head ! 
I feel a very queer sensation in my heart. [Puis hand, to heart.] 
I dare not go to the stone quarry to-day ; I will feign sickness to 
father and stay in my room for a few days ! [Holds his head.] 
Oh ! but I feel queer, some strange foreboding seems to loom up 
before my great mind ; still, come what may, I have taken a wise 
step toward greatness, and I am now an expert at the bail >ering 
►profession. 

[Noise without. Enter Farmers.] 

Wm. S. — [Speaks boisterously without] Wait, my lads, until 
I get him, I'll lather him, the little scoundrel — 

S. P., Esq. — Great Mars ! [To the farm hands] Boys, you'll 
stand by me, wont you ? [ Scared ■] 

Farmers. — Of course we will stand by, and see the fun. 

S. P., Esq. — Fun ! fun ! [Indignantly.] By my great future, I 
•see no fun in it ! [ T 'roubles.]. 

[Enter Wm. Stover with Cowhide.]. 

Wm. S- — [Runs and grabs S. P., Esq.] Now, you infamous 



S Lessons in Search of Greatness; 

scoundrel, prepare for a drubbing, for notching my head in this 
manner. [Points to the back of his head and shakes Simon.] 

S. P., Esq. — Indeed ! indeed ! Billy, it is the very latest style 
of great professional men ! 

Farmers. — [Laugh boisterously.] Ha ! ha ! ha! hear that? 
ha ! ha ! ha ! 

S. P., Esq. — [Looks mad at them.] Beasts and fools. 

Wm. 8. — Great professional men! I'll great professional men 
you ! [Lays on the cowhide.'] 

Farmers. — [Laugh and squirm.] Ha! ha! ha! 

S- P., Esq. — [Gets fiery mad, cuts Wm. S. on the hand with 
his scissors, hoists himself from his grasp, and assumes a trag- 
ic and victorious attitude, shouting.] Down with you, fools; 
greatness always conquers ! Ha ! ha ! 

Tableau. 

SCENE II. 

Dental Office of Simon Pure, Esq. Jim, Mrs. Rheumatics 
and Miss Sweetness. 

Jim. — [Cleaning and fixing office.] I have an easy place wid 
Simon Pure, Esq. who is a risen' genus ! Be-dad ! ef he didn't jerk 
things around at old Jacob's. [Bell rings.] There, be-dad, an' I 
shouldn't wonder ef that waren't a patient a'ready ! [ Goes to door. ] 

[Enter Mrs. Rheumatics and Miss Sweetness.] 
Plaze, they doctor will soon be in, will ye take a sate, and be 'asy 
a bit, an' I'll fetch him to ye — 

Mrs. Rheumatics. — Thank you. Tell him I have the Rheuma- 
tism. [Exit Jim mumbling.] 

Miss Sweetness. — Dear Aunt, I believe that we are in the wrong 
place ; this seems to be a dentist's office. [ Goes to Dental Ln- 
struments and fingers them. ] 

[Enter Simon Pure, Esq. and Jim.] 

Jim. — [Aside, ] My dear doctor, the ould lady has the Rheu. 
mat is — 

Simon Pure, Esq. — What do you say ? 

Jim. — She said, I should tell ye, that she had the Rheumatis. 

S. P., Esq. — [Meditates. Aside.] Well, yes, yes! Here is an- 
other obstacle to surmount! [Goes to ladies. To them.] Good 
morning, my dear ladies, what can I do for you? 

Mrs. R- — I have the Rheumatism very badly in my back, and 
I have been recommended to you as being a very skilful 
physician ! 

S. P., Esq. — [Aside.] My Mars ! my greatness has already scat- 
tered all over the land ! [ To her.] Of course, certainly ; I am well 
known as a success! [Aside.] I be blasted, if you wont find out 
my greatness before I get through with you. [ To them.] Ladies, 
you'd better walk into my parlor, until I prepare my remedies, and 
when I am ready, I'll send for you, and will then do things after 
the very latest style. [ To Jim. ] Jim, show the ladies to the 
parlor. 



Or, Stepping Down the Ladder. 9 

Jim. — [ To Ladies.] This way. [Exit Ladies and Jim.] 

8. P., f£sq. — [Goes to Ms tools.'] I have bought these instru- 
ments with the money I made at the barbering profession, and thus 
i took one step down the ladder, from the top of the head to the 
jaw ; and this old creature has the Rheumatism in her bach, and if 
I should cure her by some hocus pocus, I should already be two 
steps down the ladder ! My Mars ! but I feel a curious sensation 
across my back, where billy Stover counter-irritated me ! An 
idea strikes my great brain, [Slaps his head.] I'll counter-irri- 
tate the old woman by pulling her teeth, which maybe as effectual 
as the lathering which the brutal stone-quarry man gave me! 
[Rings- for Jim. Enter Jim. To him.] Jim, bring the ladies 
in ; but wait a moment. Do you remember how that old farmer 
used to pull our teeth, by putting our heads between his knees ? 

Jim- — Ha! ha! ha! I does that. 

8. P-, Esq. — Don't laugh so boisterously, you'll scare my patients 
or make them think that we are stupid back-woodsmen! Now go 
and bring them in, and then stay by the door, and if I ask you any 
questions you must say yes ! 

Jim. — All right, yer honor. [Exit Jim.] 
[Enter Ladies and Jim.] 

8. P., Esq— [,-Ulde.] Lord, but I am nervous. [ To Ladies.] La- 
dies, please be seated. [Goes to his instruments, lakes one and 
goes to her.] Permit me to examine your mouth — 

Jim. — [Snickers out loud.] Ha! ha! ha! 

S- P., Esq. — [Looks daggers at Mm.] Yes, O yes, I see you 
have the olypus, and I find that you have a couple of snags in your 
mouth, which are the cause of your Rheumatism; and if you will 
be advised by an expert, you will let me pull them out! 

Mrs. R. — I have never known that pulling teeth cured the 
Rheumatism ! 

8. P., Esq. — But madam ! Your Rheumatism is caused by the oly- 
pus, and the olypus is caused by bad teeth, and I am the man who 
always goes back to the original cause! [Aside to Tim.] Jim, 
how was that for a great mind ? Hah! 

Jim. — Fine, yer honor ! 

8. P., Esq.— [To her.] Well, Madam, shall I be about my 
business and remove your roots? 

Mrs. R. —Certainly ! [ To Miss Sweetnfes. ] What do you think 
my dear niece ? 

Miss Sweetness. — Of course, the doctor seems to understand his 
business, therefore, I'd let him pull them. 

S- P-, Esq. — [Bows profoundly to Miss S.] Your very good 
judgment and excellent taste are becoming your beauty and name ! 

Miss 8. — Thanks, you flatter me ! 

8- P., Esq. — Oh ! no, by my own great stars, I vow, that you 
are sweet euough to eat — 

Mrs. R. — Please, doctor, my Rheumatism is very painful, so 
you had better at once treat me as you see fit! 

8. P., Esq. — Instantly, your ladyship. [/Itfjxs around Ihely.] Rut 



io Lessons in Search of Greatness; 

you must get down on your knees, and put your head between my 
legs. [Showing how.'] 

Jim and Miss 8. — [Laugh.] Ha! ha! ha!. 

S. P., Esq. — [Is now in a rage.] James, be silent, you worry me, 
and disturb the equilibrium of the madam ! 

Mrs. P. — [Amazed.] I have never had teeth pulled in that 
manner, and I don't like it ! 

S. P., Esq. — [Looks at Jim. ] Jim, is this not the very latest style 
of extracting teeth ? 

Jim. — Yis, ma'am ; Oh ! yis — 

Mrs. R. — But I cannot bend my back ! [ Tries to get doion, but 
screams, which makes Miss S. nervous.] 

S. P., Esq. — [ To Mrs. R.] Wait a moment. [ Goes to Miss S.] 
You had better take a seat in the parlor until I have finished this 
little job! 

Miss S. — As you"please ! [Exit.] 

Mrs. P. — Doctor, I cannot get on my knees. 

S. P., Esq. — Then you must lie down on the floor. 

3Irs. P. — I actually don't like that, I never heard of such a 
manner of pulling teeth, and I dislike it very much. 

S. P., Esq. — [In a rage.] Madam ! we live in a progressive age, 
and whatever I do, I do in the latest style ; I was born to be a 
great man, and great men are always original, and so long as you 
cannot bend your back and get on your knees, you will be com- 
pelled to lie straight on the floor on your back. Please let me as- 
sist you to go down ! [ Takes hold of her, and lets her quietly 
down.] Now, lie still, and I'll soon fix you ! [Aside-] My Mars, 
I feel as if the spirit of William Stover, the stone-quarry man, was 
hovering over me ; but I am born to rise in the world, and there- 
fore I shall surmount all trifling obstacles ! [ Gets forceps, feels the 
gums of the lady, after raising her head a little and putting it 
between his knees. To her.] Madam, I find three or four snags, 
now open your mouth wide, and hold perfectly quiet until I have 
finished! [He nolo pulls, twists and sereins with all his might.] 

Mrs. P. — [Screams.] Murder! murder! [Faints.] 
[Enter Neighbors.] 

Mr. Sexton. — ['Grasps S. P., Esq. by the hair and neck and 
jerks him into a corner.] Ruffian, you have murdered her ! 

S. P., Esq. — [Jumps upon a chair. ] I am Simon Pure, Esq., the 
greatest man living, I was born great, and I do everything in the 
latest style ! [Here he strikes a pugilistic attitude.] and want 
all you mean, low, rough looking working people to know, that I 
am not to be bluffed off by a lot of intruders like yourselves, so 
either get out of my office, or wait a moment when you will see 
a miracle performed ! 

Mrs. P.— [ Groans. ] Oh ! O ! 

S. P., Esq. — [Aside.] She is coining to, and now is my time to 
swoon ! [Goes off.] Oh ! O, I feel faint! [Falls and faints.] 

Miss S. — [Rushes in.] Goodness, what is the matter ? 

Mrs. P. — [Comes to entirely, looks around.] What does all 
this confusion mean ? Where is Dr. Simon, Pure Esq ? [Feels her 



Or, Stepping Down the Ladder. ii 

mouth.'] Are my teeth out ? Surely they must be, because the 
rheumatism has left my back ! 

8. P., Esq.— [Groans.] Oh! O! 

Miss 8. — [Pets him.] Poor follow, has been overcome by this 
confusion! [Strokes his temple* and pats him on the cJieek.] 
There, there, clear doctor, all will soon be well! 

S. P., Esq. — Where am I ? What have I done ? Is she dead ? 

Miss $.— Who do you mean ? 

8. P-, Esq. — I mean the old lady; my patient. 

Mrs. R. — Here I am ; cured of my rheumatism ; and you are 
bound to be the greatest man living! 

*S 7 . P., Esq. — [Runs to his instruments, gets his large forceps 
a nd goes for the neighbors.] Now, you ruffians get out, or I'll pull 
all your fangs out of your accursed jaws. 

Neighbors. — [Scream terribly and run into a corner.] A-a-a. 

Miss S. — [Pushes to S. P., Esq.] Please, don't dear doctor ! 
[Falls in his arms.] 

8. P., Esq. — [Drops forceps and embraces Miss S.J Sweet- 
ness you are a sugar lump. [Kisses and hugs her fiercely.] 

Mrs. R. — [Coolly comes up with her fan, and fans S. P., 
Esq., and Miss Sweetness.] Blessed doctor ! 
Tableau. 

SCENE III. 

Parlor of Mrs. Rheumatics. Mrs. Rheumatics, Miss Sweet- 
ness and Mr. Thickhead. 

Mr. Thickhead.— H'o! h'o! but h'l 'ave the tooth h'ache. 
[Holds his jaw and moans.] If h'only hT knew of a skilful den- 
tist I would 'ave h'it pulled ! PI'o ! h'it h'aches like the devil. 
[Jumps and goes on high.] Mrs. Rheumatics, Miss Sweetness; 
h'o my graciousness there hain't no one h'about. H'o ! h'o ! darn 
this tooth h'ache. [Rings bell vigorously.] H'l would go to h'a 
dentist but hT can't walk ; [Staggers,] h'l feel faint ! H'o! h'l 
believe h'l h'am dying. [Swoons, and falls on the lounge or 
sofa. Enter Mrs. R., and Miss S., they run up to him and 
scream.] 

Mrs. R. — Oh ! what in the world is the matter with cousin ? 

Miss S. — He is dying. [Tries to lift his head.] 

Mr. T. — [Acts limber, but upon recognising Miss Sweetness, 
grows better ; winks at her.] H'o ! my dear cousin, H'o ! h'o ! 
[Grasps his jaw with both hands and screws himself into a 
knot.] 

Mrs. R. — [Gets drugs.] Here, here, dear cousin, take this, it 
will make you better. 

Mr. T. — HT can't do h'it ; my tooth h'aches too badly — ■ 

Mrs. R. — Run, dear niece, and send the servant for Dr. Simon 
Pure, Esq., who will soon cure your toothache! In the mean- 
time drink this panacea. 

Miss S. — [ To Mr. T.J Shall the doctor bring his dental instru- 
ments and draw your tooth ? 



12 Lessons in Search of Greatness; 

Mr. T. — No, my sweet cousin, h'l want to 'ave tlie nerve des- 
troyed — H'o! h'o! [Holds Ms jaw. 1 

[Exit Miss Sweetness.] 

Mrs. R. — [Rubs medicine on Ms check.'] There, there, this 
will help you, until the doctor comes, who will soon cure you ! 
He is a great man ! 

Mr. T. — H'l h'am delighted, that you 'ave skilful surgeons ; 
but h'l believe you h'are a good doctor, because my tooth is 
much h'easier h'already. 

[Enter Simon Pure, Esq.] 

Simon Pure, Esq. — [Run* to Madam.] My most excellent 
madam, I am at your service ! What is your hasty pleasure ? 
[Speaks very fast.] I am so full of business that I cannot loose 
much of my very valuable time ! You must know that a man who 
is born to rise in the world by lightning velocity, can't fool lpuch 
time away ! You are cured of your — 

Mrs. if._Let— 

S. P- Esq. — Rheumatism, and I am delighted to see you look 
so well. [Shakes her hand rigorously.'] But, why did you wish 
me to bring my dental instruments with me, you have no more 
teeth in your jaws — 

Mrs. R Please— 

S. P., Esq. — Therefore, I don't see what you desire me to do. 

Mr- T. — [Now jumps around crazy from toothache.] H'o! 
h'o ! [Holding his jaw.] 

Mrs. R.— See, see— [Points to Mr. T.] 

S. P., Esq. — Yes! by my own greatness, I see. [To Mr. T.J 
Sir. [Slaps him with all his might on the back-] I'll cure you 
in the twinkling of an eye. What in thunder is the matter? 
[Looks into Mr. T's eyes, lifting his eyelids.] You have got the 
jumpus toothitis ! 

Mrs- R. — There, I knew that Dr. Simon Pure, Esq., knew in- 
stantly what ailed our dear cousin. 

S. P., Esq. — Is he your cousin ? [To him.] Cousin, consider 
me your second cousin ! I expect to marry Miss Sweetness sooner 
or later ! 

Mr. T. — [This shocks and worries him, because he also 
wants her.] H'o ! h'o! my tooth, my 'ead ! Please, doctor quick- 
ly destroy the nerve, and fill h it with gold ! 

S. P., Esq. — [ To him.] All right, old fellow, [ Hits him again 
on the back.] I'll do it sharp ! 

Mr. T. — [Squirms, blinks, fyc] No sir, h'i don't want h'itdone 
sharp ; but, h'l want the nerve destroyed — 

S. P., Esq. — All right. [Strikes again at him.] 

Mr. T. — [Jumps aside and squirms, fyc] H'I don't h'exh'act- 
ly like the way you deal your stuff h'oul — 

Mrs. R. — [Laughs.] Never mind, dear cousin, the doctor has 
a great many original ideas, that are not in vogue elsewhere, but 
he is always successful in all his undertakings — 

Mr. T. — [Listens patiently.] H'Ah ! you don't say so ? 

S. P., Esq. — [Aside.'] Ye gods, here is another step down the 



Or, Stepping down the Ladder. 13 

ladder ; this thickheaded Englishman wants the nerve of a tooth 
destroyed, and I do not know a thing about killing nerves ! Let me 
see. [Rubs Ms head.] I have it, I will pour some Oil of Vitriol 
into the cavity of the tooth ; by St. George, that is strong enough 
to kill any living thing, and why should it not destroy this nerve ? 
[To him.'] Mr. Thickhead, [Opens his box of tools.] here, hold 
this on your jaw and sit still on that chair, until I prepare my 
remedies. [To Mrs. R.] My most precious aunt — 

j/>. T.— [Looks, listens and grumbles.] H'accursed be that 
fool of h'a dentist, h'l love Miss .Sweetness myself. 

S. P., Esq.— [Overhears Ms grumbling.] Leave us for a few 
hours, until I fix this thickheaded fellow — 

J^ r8m B.—Mr. Thickhead, our cousin ; dear Dr. Simon Pure, 
Esq.— 

S. P., Esq.— JusUso; I'll make it all right, in my usual great 
style; [Nodding Ms head wisely • ] as I do all my professional 
jobs; so" please ask Jim, my coachman, to come m, and then trust 
your H'English cousin in our charge! [Smiling and winking.] 
Mrs. R.— [Smiles.] I will do as you say. [Exit] 
S. P., Esq.— [Goes to patient.] Where sir, is your tooth 
situated? 

j\f r , T.— [Opens Ms mouth and points to an upper molar 
tooth.] 'Ere, this molar tooth in the h'upper jaw. 

S. P-, Esq. [Aside.] My Mars; in the upper jaw ! Mow in 

thunder will I get the Oil of Vitriol to run into the cavity ? By my 
own greatness, I must set the thickheaded Englishman on his 'ead ! 
Ha! ha! ha! I'll do him up, in my usual latest style! Ha ! ha! 
[Turns serious, as he thinks.] My Mars ! I feel quite queer; 
yes, I feel as if Billy Stover, my father's stone-quarry man was 
hovering around me ! 

[Enter Jim.] 
J^.—Doctor, what makes ye look so deathly pale— 
S. P., Esq., — Oh! never mind, I have a dreadful case on hand 
in which you must assist as usual, and do what I say, mind me! 
jfc W .__Cartainly, yer honor ! 

S. P., Esq. [To Mr. T.] Well sir, I am now ready to destroy 

the nerve ; but you must for a moment stand on your head. 

J/,.. T.— [Looks amazed.] What sir, do you say, stand on my 
'ead ? . 

S. P-, Esq. — Yes sir ; standing on the head is the very latest 
style of destroying nerves of teeth in the upper jaw. 

j/ r> 2V_Bujt, doctor, h'l positively lvobject to doing such h'an 
h'ungraceful h'act. 

S. P., Esq. [Aside.] Now is my time to stand upon my pro- 
fessional dignity. T Clears his throat.] Ahem ! Sir, I wish to know 
whether I am to be trifled with,— am I not the professional man ; 
say, Mr. James, do I know what I am about to do ? 
Jim. — Yis, yer honor, an' ye do. 

S. P., Esq. There, there! [Haughtily.] you see, I know 

what is best for the jumping toothache. [Aside.] By my own 
greatness, I'll make you jump worse than your tooth, before you'll 



14 Lessons in Search of Greatness ; 

get through with me, you old bummer ! [Trembles.] Do I trem- 
ble ! Oh! ye gods of greatness steady my nerves! [Looks heaven- 
ward.'] Listen! listen, the spirit of the old lady whispers, even 
now, words of comfort to my soul! [Becomes steady and coura- 
geous.] Hark ! she says : "Take courage, young Socrates, you are 
going to be the greatest man that ever lived !" All right ! Now 
for the Oil of Vitriol. [Pours it into a tea spoon. To Mr. T.] 
Sir, are you ready to stand on your head ? 

Mr. T. — Well sir, do h'as you think fit, for h'l must be relieved 
soon, h'or h'I'll go mad. 

8. P., Esq. — [Puts pillow on floor- To Jim. Aside.] James, 
when I turn our noble patient up side down, you must balance him 
whilst I perform the operation. [ Gets sweet oil, $*c, ready.] 

Jim. — All right, yer honor. 

8. P., Esq. — Come on sir ! now do just as I direct, and don't 
resist in anything, no matter how much pain I give you for the 
time being. [Aside.] He is thickheaded enough to stand a pint 
of Vitriol. 

Mr. T. — H'l will h'obey you. 

8. P., Esq. — [Aside.] I think you had better ! [jSfoic turns 
him up side down on pillow, and Jim steadies him. Gets his 
medicine.] Oh! heavens! but I am nervous, but here it goes, kill 
or cure, by my own greatness. [Pours it in his mouth.] 

Mr. T. — [Turns a somersault, screams and rants about 
the room like a roaring Hon.] H'o ! h'o ! h'o ! h'o ! 'ell! 
[Enter Mrs. R. and Miss S ] 

8. P., Esq. — [Grasps a bottle of sweet oil, and grabbing Mr. 
T, pours it into Ids face and mouth.] There, that sweet oil will 
ease you, be a man, not a fool, the nerve is destroyed, and to-mor- 
row I will be able to fill the tooth, and I warrant you will never 
have the jumping toothache any more. 

Mr. T. — [ Wipes the oil from his jaws, face and mouth.] H'o ! 
My dear Cousin! [Reaching for Miss Sweetness but the doctor 
says.] 

8. P., Esq. — Come to my arms, my sweetest sugar lump. [ Opens 
his arms and receives her, then puts his thumb to his. nose, 
wiggles his fingers at Mr. T.] 

Mr- T. — [Looks amazed, and tries to faint.] H'o! h'o! cou- 
sin ! 

Mrs. R. — [Catches him in her arms.] All will be well. 

Jim. — [Laughs in the back ground.] Ha! ha ! 

Tableau. 



SCENE IV. 

School Room. Director's Meeting, consisting of three or four 
Farmers. 

Mr- Six Footer. — Gentlemen, I have just received a letter from 
Simon Pure, Esq. who has accepted our school for this winter. 
We are very fortunate to secure such an apt scholar and gentleman. 



Or, Stepping Down the Ladder. 15 

Mr. Farmer. — Who is this Simon Pure, Esq. ? I have never 
heered of him 'afore. 

£. p. — Never heard of Simon Pure, Esq. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Neigh- 
bors listen to Mr. Farmer ! He has never heard of the greatest man 
of the age ! Ha ! ha ! 

Farmers.— [Stare at each other with amazement, and laugh 
sarcastically.'] Ha! ha! ha! 

S. F. — Say, neighbors, lets do honor to this young Socrates — 

Mr. F. — [Aside.] Socratees ! [Bubs his head.] Who inthtui- 
der was he ? I wish I was larned, like Mr. Six Footer. 

S. F. — Mr. Farmer, what are you mumbling about now ! Dis- 
pleased again, hah ! at our choice ? 

[Enter Master Homely Footer.] 

Master H. Footer. — Our new teacher has coined ; mum sent 
to ask ef he shall wait to home for you, or must I show him in the 
school here ? 

S. F. — Bring him here. [Exit Master H. F.] I am delighted 
with him. [Points to where Simon comes.] Look there, he is a 
noble looking gentleman. [Rises to meet him. Enter Simon Pure, 
Esq. ] 

Simon Pure, Esq. — Good day, gentlemen. [Looking quickly 
around at the room and Farmers.] I suppose this is the School 
Room — 

S. F. — Yes sir ; and I suppose this is Simon Pure, Esq. our new 
teacher ? 

S. P., Esq.— [Clearing his throat.] A-hem ! I flatter myself 
that I shall condescend to do that thing, in the very latest style, 
and thusly, take another step down the ladder. I am an expert at 
drinking in lofty ideas; and as I am already an expert in several 
professions, my zeal now lies in a purely literary field of greatness, 
where I shall achieve a vivid understanding of highflying literary 
decoctions ; hence, this step to your Swamp, for the purpose of 
indoctrinating your urchins into the philosophies of true great- 
ness! A-hem. [Aside.] By my own stars ! I have done that. 
finely ! This is the ugliest and stupidest set of ragamuffins that I 
ever met in all my search of greatness. 

[Farmers rise and Exit.] 

S. F. — Sir, we are perfectly charmed with your appearance 
and learning ; and we shall now leave you, but your scholars will 
be here in a few minutes! [Bows awkwardly.] Good day Sir! 
[Exit.] 

S. P., Esq. — [Rubbing his chin and looking after them.] My 
goodness, these people already esteem me to be as great as the 
angel Gabriel, who conquered in heaven ! This is the Swamp, 
and these ''Swampers" believe anything I say ; simply because 
they are too damp dutch to understand my fine English. I'll 
spread myself before them, like an eagle when he is bitten by a 
snake. [Spies a lot of books on desk; picks them up and stares 
with amazement.] What do I see ? [Holds his head.] Lord ! 
my head swims, and I have that queer feeling, which I used to 
have on former occasions, when Billy Stover and Mr. Thickhead 



16 I bssons in Search of Greatness; 

were my pupils! [Looks in book again.'] A dutch book, by 
thunder! Great Jupiter! Here is another fearful obstacle "to sur- 
mount ! I promised to teach German, but I don't know all the 
letters of the Alphabet! [Beads German A. B. G's.] A. B.C. 
[Is stuck, and feigns sickness, §-c.] I feel awful. Let me think ! 
I la ! ha ! ha ! I have it ; the "Swampers" hold me in such mighty 
esteem, that 1 can easily shut up their blinkers ! Ee-gad, I'll 
talk professional Latin at them ! Here come my scholars ! [He 
ascends to a high platform upon which a desk stands. Enter 
Scholars. Il< meditates, as He gazes through his fingers at 
/lis SCHOLARS.] Of all the God-forsaken, mugheaded little ur- 
chins, my scholars beat them ! My Mars! am I never to get over 
my troubles? .How under the high blue firmament can I get to 
leach these Dutch, brats? I sit here, like a royal master, behind 
this enormous thing, called a desk, and wonder what to do, which 
my noble scholars undoubtedly take For holy contemplation ! If 
they knew my thoughts, they would both tremble for fear, and 
pity me in my agony and disgust; because, I am thinking, that 
they are the tarnalest ugly and mostshockingly disgusting set of lit- 
tle devils that I ever saw in all my great days ; and I feel it in my 
bones, if they act half as stupid and disgusting as they appear, I 
shall murder some of them in cold blood ! They even now look 
at me in ignominious amazement. I will speak to them! [To 
them.] Amen! [Said as if finishing his prayers.] My noble 
scholars, I am your new teacher! My name is Simon Pure, Esq., 
and I wish you to know from this moment [Pounds the desk 
with a club, book or hummer.] that you must call me by my full 
name, namely : Simon Pure, Esq. Don't forget the Esquire. 
[Striking desk forcibly, {hey jump and look scared to death.] 
Now, I want you all to come around my pulpit here, [Points, 
they come.] and tell me what you know, what you have been 
studying, etceteras, etceteras! [At the last words, they tear their 
ryes wide open, amazed.] Do you hear me? [Knocks on desk.] 
Scholars. — Yes! Yaw! [Trembling.] 

S. P., Esq. — [Aside.] I must contrive a plan to learn my Ger- 
man alphabet ! I have it. [To them.] All those of you who have 
German books, and wish to become proficient in that sweet lan- 
guage, come here with your books ! [Smiles kindly now, is gentle. 
Scholars obey, and surround his desk.] Those of you who read, 
will please favor me with the recital of a chapter. 

Soholars. — [Look at each other and whisper; then a fierce 
girl of twelve years rattles off several eerses, which seem 'well 
read by the Teacher.] Hab gesaht, nun, das sie, sein ein, schaff 
kopf. 

S. P., Esq. — [Looks wise and pleased.] That is finely execu- 
ted. [Aside.] I don't know whether it is right or wrong ; because, 
I am a Pennsylvania dutchman,and she reads German, which seems 
very different. [To the Rkader.] Gome up here my dear young 
lady ! [She goes to him. lie pats her on the head and, looks af- 
fectionately at her.] Now, my brave heroine, I wish to promote 



Or, Stepping Down the Ladder. 17 

you to greatness, .like myself; I suppose you know that I am born 
to be the greatest man that ever lived ! Did you know that? 

Scholar. — No, I didenty — 

S. P., Esq. — [Looks amazed.] Didenty ? [Rubs his chin and 
snickers.] Ahem ! Yes, you know it now, don't you ? 

Scholar. — Yaw ! 

S. P., Esq. — Yes! yaw! you make a better German scholar, 
than English. [Aside.] Didenty! [To her.] I want you to hand 
me a German Primer, and then you will instruct these little child- 
ren, [Pointing to them.] whilst I watch you ; and if I find that 
you know all your letters, etceteras, I will give you a premium 
and elevate you. Now begin with the alphabet. 

Scholars. — [Repeat alphabet, until they get to the S's and T's, 
when S. P., Esq. stops them.] S. S. S., T. T. T. 

S. P., Esq. — Stop, stop; what do you call those letters? 

Teacher. — S. S. S., T. T. T. [Scholars amazed.] 

S. P., Esq. — Are you sure that they are all S's and T's. [Look- 
ing 1 rise.] 

Teacher. — Certaintly, them are. [More amazed.] 

S- P., Esq. — Of course, I know they are, I only wanted to see 
whether you also knew them. [ Quite relieved.] 

Master Homely Footer. — [ The ugliest boy.] Any fool, I guess 
knows them letters. 

S. P., Esq. — [In a furious rage. Aside.] You tarnel ugly 
looking beast, I be darned if I don't thrash you nasty, dirty rascal ! 
[ Takes another angry lookat him.] Ell be teetotally squelched, 
if I don't thrash you godforsaken, beastly-looking noodle for your 
impudence. [To him.] Master Homely, come here! [Brains 
Ms large hickory stick from its hiding place, and soys.] You 
dirty little scalawag, and nasty beast, I'll make an example of you; 
take this. [Thrashes Mm aio fully.] Now, go home, each one 
of you, ancl dream over this first day's progress; and when you 
come to-morrow, remember this gentle reminder. [Pointing to 
his rod of hickory. Scholars Exit.] Oh! what a relief, to get 
rid of those beastly looking scholars. [Meditates.] Well, well ; 
my Mars ! didn't that little rascal squirm and bleed! [Strikes his 
breast fiercely.] I am truly a mighty man ! Greatness stares me 
everywhere in the face — [Stores and stands like o statue.] 
[Enter Mr. Six Footer and Scholars.] 

Six Footer. — [ With sleeves rolled op to elbows, grins with 
rotten, black teeth.] Scoundrel, you have well nigh killed my boy, 
now prepare for a drubbing. 

S. P., Esq. — [Screams a ml runs aroundhisdi sk, over chairs, 
be.] Murder ! murder ! 

S. F. — [EinuJly catches him by the neck and is going to strike 
him.] Now, coward ! 

S. P., Esq. — Murder! [Buns between Iris legs and upsets him, 
throwing Mm under a bench before S. Footer can strike him. 
He note jumps on Ms desk, Ms Scholars surround him, he 
smiles gleefully and victoriously, uplifting Mshands. S. Footer 
gazes at Mm with grinning teeth.] Tableau. 



1 8 Lessons in Search oe Greatness; 

FIRST INTERMISSION. 

scene v. 

Meeting House. Simon Pure, Esq. teaching Singing School. 

Simon Pure, Esq. — [Sitting alone, meditating.] When I 
think of my speedy rise in my upward course, I astonish myself, 
as well as the masses of white trash ! Bless me ! how soon I be- 
came an expert in teaching school in the "Swamp." Ha! ha ! ha ! 
[Sobers up instanter.] By my own sweet stars, there is one thing, 
I think is becoming monotonous. It is the envy, the jealousy of 
some ignorant snob, who always puts himself in my way, — as it 
were — and kicks up a row, thereby spoiling my mental equanimi- 
ty ! But, great minds, like mine, don't mind trifles, and I always 
manage to come out victor, which gives me renewed zeal whilst in 
search of greatness. I had a contemptible dream last night, which 
ran something like this : I thought I was teaching writing-school, 
and as I was training a class of lubberly fellows, to make these 
flesh-hook scrawls, [Presents a card with hooks, viz:? t ?.] a 
little vixen in the shape of a black-eyed lass of sweet sixteen, ac- 
companied by a big-eared rough, made her appearance at the 
twelfth lesson, and as she spied these [Points to hooks.~] hooks, 
she roared out the most tantalizing laugh, and said : ''Prof. Simon 
Pure, Esq., what do you call these things ? Look here, Tom, did 
you ever see such writing in all your life ? Ha ! ha ! ha ! we have 
an old Tom cat at home that can make better scrawls than these!" 
My heaven, then I was mad ! and I shouted : Silence, you disturb 
the equanimity of the nervous centres of my pupils by your rude 
conduct. Then you ought to have seen the big-eared rough re- 
tort in a menacing tone, thusly : "Sir, do you mean to insult Miss 
Aptitude ? I insist that you make an apology to her, instantly." 
Now, he struck a pugilistic attitude, something like this, [Strikes 
position.] which was actually heart-rending to behold. I felt for 
a moment, squeamish all over; but as good luck would have it, 
an original idea flashed through my great brain : I will appeal to 
my noble class for protection ; instantly I shouted, after springing 
on a bench, [Jump* on a bench.] like this : "Noble scribes, I ap- 
peal to you for protection, put this ruffian out." A terrible light 
ensued, whilst I hid behind a desk, but instantly heard a most 
charming voice, which brought me forth — [Enter Miss Aptitude, 
crying.] 

Miss Aptitude. — [Cries and screams awfully.] Ah-a-a, they 
have struck and hurted my poor Tommy ! [Screeches, until 
Neighbors, both Ladies and Gentlemen rush in.] Ah-a-a-a— 
[Enter Ladies and Gentlemen.] 

S. P., Esq. — [Responds to Miss A. in crying, bellowing and 
turning it into singing.] Yea, yea, yea, verily I say — 

Miss A- — Oh ! ho, Simon Pure, Esq. 

S. P., Esq. — Stop 1 say! [All is quiet.] My dear friends and 
fellow citizens : Miss Aptitude and myself have been practicing 
our parrot-like voices previous to opening the singing lesson of 



Or, Stepping Down the Ladder. 19 

to-day ! If you will linger a few moments, until the hour appoint- 
ed for singing arrives, I will be very much obliged. [ Walks 
aside and meditates. Ladies and Gentlemen talk amongst 
themselves.] I see envy and jealousy already in the countenances 
of those masculine boobies, because their ladies cannot take their 
eyes from my perfect physique ! [Admires himself.] I am not 
egotistical, but by my sweet self, they detect greatness in every 
spot of my superb countenance, and O Lord] when I commence 
to sing, the features of my external, as well as my internal person 
are perfectly beautiful, — being symmetrically level, normally tin- 
ted and pleasingly flavored ; in fact, everybody says I am a 
perfect beauty, and the paragon of animals! And when I sing the 
higher climaxes, my beautiful breast is thrown out and heaves 
like a blacksmith's bellows ; my artistically chiseled nostrils ex- 
pand and snort like a locomotive; my heavenly blue eyes twinkle, 
twinkle, like little stars, and roll toward the spirit world ; my 
sweet mouth opens several inches, which makes one grand expose 
of my spotless ivories and nimble tongue, 1 fairly charm the mil- 
lions ! A-hem. [Looks self-satisfied. Enter balance of audi- 
ence. They take their places-'] The house is crowded and we 
must begin. [Straightens up, fyc. To the audience.] Ladies and 
Gents: — The hour for our musical exercises has arrived ! A-hem ! 
[ Clears Ms throat, strikes a musical attitude, and invites la- 
dies around him. They obey.] Ladies will take front seats, and 
observe my delicate notes and physical and facial mobility ! 
[Ladies rush around him, clambering fairly on top of each 
other to get a sight of his throat, §c] Prepare to sing ! [Strikes 
desk with stick.] Do Ra Me Fa Sol La Se Do ! [Ladies now 
climb on his back, shoulders, and hang on him in every con- 
ceivable manner, seeming spell bound. He sighs, labors, sweats 
and shouts.] Intermission for an hour. [He falls exhausted in- 
to a chair. The Ladies still surround hint, making remarks. } 

Miss. A. — Wasn't he charming when he sang, and ain't he de- 
licious now ? [Stroking his temples.] 

Miss Blank. — Hasn't he got a beautiful wind pipe ? How I love 
to look into his gullet when he sings ! 

Ladies. — [Together.] Oh! he is bewitching. 

8. P. Esq. — [ Waves them off. ] Ladies, your good taste is fully 
appreciated I swear, but some of your loud breaths, horse hair 
lumps, musk cow perfume, and cloudy teeth, have almost smoth- 
ered me with delight, so please accept my greatest gratitude in 
taking this huge step down the ladder! [ Sighs. ] O-h ! [Stares 
a moment.] Hark ! methinks I hear some bass voices in the dis- 
tance ! [All are silent.] 

Tom- — Let's hang him, he's making love to our girls ! 

Gents. — Yes, yes ; let's go for him ! 

Tom. — He's worse than JBrigham Young. 

S. P., Esq. — [Springs upon the preacher's desk, strikes an 
appropriate, bold altitude.] Let's all sing: "Lord dismiss us 
with thy blessing," 



20 Lessons in Search of Greatness; 

Ladies. — [Mock closer around Mm'.] Oh! not yet, sweet 
Simon Pure. 

Gents. — Be accursed, we shall give you thunder. [ They rush 
upon him, a muss, Ladies scream, S. P. Esq., knocks Men 
down, and then they get him on the floor, the Ladies all faint, 
when the Gents must catch them, and thus S. P., Esq., gets a 
chance to rise and jumps on the table victorious.'] 

Tableau. 

SCENE VI. 

Allopathic Medical College. Professor's platform? desk, vessels 

full of human lungs, livers, fyc. Students with copy 
books. Prof. Contraria Contrariis Lecturing. 

Prof. Contraria Contrariis. — Gentlemen, we are the standards; 
'because, we stand still. We never change our base, nor do we re- 
cognize Progressives, or any of the apostates and charlatans of this 
scientific and elite age. Gentlemen, our motto, I wish you to re- 
member, is Contraria Contrariis Gurentur; that is, we cure all 
diseases, by giving medicines that produce a contrary effect to the 
disease we treat, and thus we have power to knock either the disease 
orlife teetotally out of our patients, which'is the sublime doctrine of 
the standard — The Allopathic Practice, and which is often called 
"The Old School," of which cognomen we may well be proud ! 
[Looks haughty and proud. Students imitate him and wriU it 
down.] Gentlemen, put all these fundamental principles down in 
your books ; and come what may, or come what will, swear that 
you will kill or cure by our standard motto and scientific reme- 
dies; — Hem! [Clearing his throat.] I mean, use all the medi- 
cines, in large doses, that are capable of producing greater oppo- 
site symptoms and commotions, in the patients' systems, than the 
disease creates, and thusly, you become the terror of quacks, 
and are at once respected and courted as "The Medical Legitimists." 
[Clears his throat and handles lungs in vessels.] Hem ! hem ! 
[Enter Simon Pure, Esq.] 

Simon Pure, Esq. — [Aside.] This must be the Medical Col- 
lege, and that [Pointing to Prof.] must be Prof Contraria 
Contrariis Gurentur. By my own greatness, I will step fearless- 
ly, with my usual lofty air, into the Medical Profession ; nor do I 
begin at the bottom, but at the top of the ladder; [Proudly.] 
because, I never imitate clod-hoppers, who always begin at the 
bottom! [ Wipes his face with a cloth.] My lessons in search of 
Literary greatness, as obtained by school teaching, etceteras, etcete- 
ras, have convinced me, that Profession means something which 
one docs not actually possess; which no fellow can find out; in 
other words, profession inculcates popular greatness; do-nothing- 
of-much-sense-sort-of-a-thing; whilst science, means damp dirty 
work; bah! who wants anything to do with science, that desires 
to become truly great and yearns to be esteemed by the elite and 
select! [Looks at Professor and Students.] This must be the 



Or, Stepping Down the Ladder. 21 

Standard Medical College, because, that Professor [Points to him. ] 
stands infernally still. Ha ! ha! ha! I'll speak to him, and make 
myself known to this unmannerly set of donkeys. [ To the PRO- 
FESSOR. Rushing towards him.] Prof. Gontraria Gontrariis 
Curentur, permit me a word or two. [Professor and Stu- 
dents stare at him, with mouths agape arid eyes like saucers.] 
I believe this is the Regular Standard College ; I have been enter- 
ed here — 

Students. — Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

S. P., Esq.-^[ Looks mad at them.] And I have come for my 
first lesson. My name is Simon Pure, Esq. — - 

Students. — [Laugh worse.] Ha! ha! ha! ha! 

S. P., Esq.— I am in search of greatness, and you. most excel- 
lent Professor Gontraria Contra riis Cureufur wili undoubtedly 
do me justice — . 

Students. — >[Laugh boisterously and scream.] Ha! ha! ha! 
a-a ! 

S. P., Esq. — [Aside.] Damn me! now 1 am hopping mad! 
[ Snorts, foams and spits. To Professor.] Professor Curentur, 
you have got the most "cussed" set of unmannerly and beastly 
whelps here, that I ever met in all my search of greatness, and 
I'll be blasted, if I wouldn't like to give them several thousand 
doses of Contra riis .' 

Students. — [Laugh still more.] Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! 

S. P., Esq. — [Spies and points to lungs, livers, fyc] Mars 
and Jupiter, take that! [Runs to vessel, grabs lungs, #•<;., in both 
hands and throws them rigorously all over the room into Stu- 
dents' faces and open mouths; they begin to strangle, cough and 
jump high into the air.] Ha! ha! ha! [Laughs and doubles 
himself into a heap from laughter and points at Students.] 
Ha! ha! ha! Gontraria Contrariis Curentur by thunder! 
[Striks a victorious attitude, whilst the Prof, bows humbly by 
his side, Students looking purple, choked, and horror stricken.] 
Tableau. 

SCENE VII. 
Chamber of Simon Pure, Esq's., Mother-in- Law, Mrs. 

SCOLDITIS. 

Mrs. Scolditis. — Were women ever so slandered, as we poor 
Mother-in-law's are ! If we look to the welfare of our Son-in-laws, 
we are accused of being meddlers ; or, if we interest ourselves in 
our Sister-in-laws, we are denounced as exacting fools ; and if we 
desire our Grand-Children to be properly raised, we are branded 
as nasty, scolding Mother-in-laws! I would rather be anything, 
than a Mother-in-law ! and yet I cannot help being one! [Rants, 
fyc] Oh! I am indignant enough to profane the author, who in- 
vented Mother-in-laws. [Rants, and kicks her big toe around, 
then is taken with a sharp pain in her stomach. Holds sto- 
mach.] Oh ! O, Lord ! The thought of it, gives me the stomach- 
ache ! [Speaks eery Just and boisterous now.] I always gel 



22 Lessons in Search of Greatness; 

these spasms, when I meditate upon this be-slandered topic ; I 
could kill all those who libel us poor, affectionate Mother-in-laws ! 
Yes, there is my stuck-up Son-in-law, Simon Pure, Esq., who 
thinks he was born to ride over his poor, abused Mother-in-law ! 
[Cries.] Hah! hah! a ah! I wish he had never been born; then, 
my noble daughter, Mrs. Simon Pure, Esq., would not be in one 
continual state of nettles, on account of Simon's search of greatness, 
or stepping down the ladder, as the dunce chooses to call his pranks ! 
What do you think? He has just graduated at the Old School of 
Medicine, and he wants me to become his patient! He says: I 
have the Scolditis, which is a congestion under the tongue, and a 
rupture in the bread basket, in complication with nervous spasms, 
that cause me to jerk my big toe around loose ! [All the time she 
has been jerking her toe around; and suddenly, she looks at 
said toe, lifts up her dress, and concludes.] As I live, I believe 
the fool is right! [Screams and falls on lounge.] Oh! Ah! a-a. 
[Enter Simon Pure, Esq.] 
Si?non Pure, Esq. — [Runs up to her, and jams 'his pocket 
handkerchief into her mouth-] There, keep quiet, until lean 
prescribe Allopathically. [Aside. She is still.] Having gradua- 
ted in the Standard Medical College — whose motto : Contraria 
Contrariis Curentur I have successfully established, as I took 
my first lesson ; [Laughs and doubles up.] Ha ! ha ! ha ! when 
I think how I chucked those pieces of lungs, liver, etceteras, etcet- 
eras into those beastly students' wind pipes, it makes me almost 
laugh. Ha! ha! ha! My Mars! I'd have to laugh, if it would 
murder my charming Mother-in-law. Ha! ha! ha! Gads! I pro- 
duced a speedy opposite effect ! Of course, being intuitively and 
congenitally great, and always doing things in the very latest style, 
I must do my Mother-in-law, [Points to her.] in the same stand- 
ard manner ! [ Goes to her.] She is easy just now, but when that 
temporary plug, which I put in her chops comes out, you'll see 
her go on ever so high ! but my greatness generally brings her 
down contrariwise ! [Gets paper and pencil.] I must write my 
prescriptions, and send Jim for the medicine ! I'll have some fun 
at her expense! Ha! ha! ha! ha! [Doubles up.] Whenever I 
think how those Medical Students jumped and hopped about, it 
jerks my risibles so vehemently that I must laugh ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
[Groios serious instantly.] Great heavens! but I feel queer! 
[Pubs his back, head and throat.] some spirits seem to be hover- 
ing around my back, head and gullet ! Can the spirits of Billy 
Stover, Mr. Thickhead and Miss Aptitude be about ? Is another 
new trouble to overtake me? No Sir, never, because I am now 
standing on the very top of the ladder — Contraria Contrariis 
Curentur. Therefore, prescription number one, Syrup of Squills 
and Ipecac, each, two pounds. No. 2. Jalop, Senna and Aqua 
Fortis, each 17 ounces. No. 3. Gamboge, Epsom Salts, Lobelia 
and Cod Liver Oil, each, one gallon. No. 4. Tincture of Capsi- 
cum, Potassium, Gooses Fat and Hobensack's Vermifuge, each two 
quarts. Dose — a teacupful of each, taken every ten minutes alter- 
nately day and night. No. 5. Calomel and Castor Oil, each, one 



Or, Stepping Down the Ladder. 23 

pound. No. 6. Laudanum and Dovers Powders, each, seven 
quarts. Dose — three tablespoonfuls every two minutes during 
the day. The whole to be followed every morning and evening 
by twenty four SeidUtz Powders, Castor Oil and Gamboge. [Rings 
bell for Jim. Enter Jim.] 

S. P., Esq. — James take these prescriptions, [Hands lots of 
papers to Jim.] and go to a standard drug store, and procure 
those stuffs. 

Jim. — What sthore, yer honor, did ye say ? 

S. P., Esq. — Stupid fo 1 ! To the Standard Drug Store. 

Jim. — [Blinks and hesitates.] Sthandard drug store! 'an 
where is that ? 

8. P., Esq. — [In a rage.] Where is it, fool? Where can it be, 
but where you see large red, green, blue, green, yellow, red, 
green and blue glass jars in the big windows. 

Jim. — All right, yer honor, 'an I'll go. [Is going.] 

8. P., Esq. — Stop a moment, until I write a few more. [ Writes 
and talks it.] Brandy, Whisky, Wine, Ginger-pop and Asafoeti- 
da as stimulants, a pound of each — 

Jim. — Yer honor, they don't sell whisky by the pound — 

8. P., Esq. — What do you know about it ? Ain't I the gradua- 
ted M. D., you fool ? Here, take this and go. [Hands paper to 
him. Exit]iM.] Whilst the druggist prepares those Contraria 
medicines, I'll bleed her six quarts in the calves of her legs, to 
prevent jerking of her big toe ; next I'll apply a fly blister over 
her mouth, nose, eyes, ears and cheeks to remove the inflamma- 
tion under her tongue, which causes the Scolditis; and lastly, but 
not leastly, I'll apply six hundred leeches to her spine and anteri- 
or trunk, whilst her tender feet must be soaked for three days 
and nights in scalding mustard and brandy water, and if this don't 
cure her contrariwise, I am no great man ! 

Mrs. 8. — [Jumps and raxes.] Oh ! O, Oh ! [Throws herself 
on the lounge, foams, jerks Iter toes, contracts her muscles, $*c] 

S. P., Esq. — [Rings bell furiously. Enter the Family.] She 
must be bled, blistered and leeched, come all of you and do as I 
direct. [They surround her, Simon Pure, Esq., hands materi- 
als.] Here, bleed her calves, blister her mouth and face, leech 
her spine and anterior trunk. 

[Enter Jim with bundle of drugs.] 
Just in time. [ Takes them from Jim and places them on the 
table.] Give her these as directed. [They lift table to her side 
and pretend to giri them.] Now, I must be oft" and attend to 
other patients. [To them.] Should she need my services, ssnd 
forme. [Lifts his hands. Aside.] Jupiter and Mars, pity my 
poor sick Mother-in-law! [Exit.] 

Jim. — She can't swallow any more, ye had better send for the 
Doctor agin ! 

Family. — [Lament.] She is dying. [Re-enter Simon Pure, 
Esq., runs to her. has her raised up a little, she is dying in the 
presi nee of the Company.] 

8. P., Esq. — Ye everlasting gods! Contraria Contra rii* Car- 



24 Lessons in Search of Greatness ; 

entur works like a charm ! Friends, I am an expert! See she will 
never have the Scolditis any more, I have cured her permanently ! 
However, I am sorely sorry that the disease has taken such a 
popular turn ; but, truly, this is the way that all flesh and blood 
must go, where the Standard Practice is in vogue ! Firstly, great- 
ness, and nextly stepping down and out ! Farewell ! dear Mother- 
in law ! [He weeps, she expire*, all kneel, but Simon Pure, Esq., 
stands raising his hands in a suppliant manner.] 

Tableau. 
SCENE VIII. 

Medical Office of Simon Pure, Esq., with a bed chamber back 
of it, where his wife sleeps, having the screeching night- 
mare ! Mrs. Simon Pure, and servant, Jim. 

Mrs. Simon Pure. — James, have a light supper to-night ; you 
know what I am fond of — 

Jim. — Yis, ma'am, ye loves belonee, and catsup — 

Mrs. S. P. — Yes, have five or six pounds of fried bologna 
sausage, peppered and catsupped ; yes, and two or three quarts of 
chicken salad with cod-liver oil — 

Jim. — [Gags. Aside.] Pah! cod-liver ile ! 

Mrs. S. P. — Yes, yes, and half a dozen pounds of fried pork 
and beans, seasoned with cayenne pepper and mutton broth ! Yes, 
O yes, ten pounds of succotash, made of equal parts of green corn, 
green tomatoes, green turnips and any other greens that you can 
find! And James, have me seven pounds of mutton chops, clams, 
fried oysters, stewed herring and drawn mackerel ! Oh ! yes, 
and as no one except myself will be at supper to night, you need 
not get more than one gallon each, of strong tea, strong coffee, ice- 
water, brandy, wine and egg-nog. [Rubbing her hands ;//> efully 
and smacking Iter lips.] That will be a delightful light supper ! 
Go now, James, and hasten up, I am very hungry! [Exit Jim.] I 
wonder, why I am troubled so much, with the nightmare ? My 
darling Simon says : that I scream louder than any locomotive 
whistle, when I get one of these horrid attacks. Fd give my life 
to find out what would cure them ; he says: that I eat too much 
supper, so I have ordered only a small allowance for to-night, and 
then we'll see if I won't have the torturing spasm ! 
[Enter Simon Pure, Esq.] 

Simon Part, Esq. — Howare you sweetest of my mighty bosom ? 

Mrs. 8. P. — Very well, lovely Simon, [Kisses him.] only I 
am mighty hungry — 

8. P., Esq. — Then you'll eat too damned much stuff again for 
supper, after which you'll screech all night as usual with the night- 
mare, which ought to be called screech-mare ! 

Mrs. 8. P- — [Mad and slings off.] You're a nasty, hard-heart- 
ed man ! [Exit Mrs. S. P.] 

S. P., Esq. — That is a great wife of mine ! She is as great at 
eating huge suppers, as I am at searching after greatness! Her vic- 
tuals lie a little heavy on her spine, as she lies on her back, which 



Or, Stepping Down the Ladder. 25 

frequently gives her these attacks of the nightmare, and which 
cause her to scream a great deal louder than any locomotive, and 
this cussed noise sometimes wakes me up. Before I was a "Regu- 
lar" expert in Allopathy, I used to shake her, pound her, pinch and 
kick her, to wake her up; hut as all these manifestations failed to 
stop her from screaming, I then took to kiting her heel, which, 
being the butt end of the spine, proved a success. However, as I 
have now graduated as a "Standard" M. D., I have made up my 
mind, that the next time she gets the nightmare, I will not bite her 
on the heel and wake her up, but have instant resort to an Allopath- 
ic dose of chloroform ! 

Mrs. 8. P. — [Screeches inside.] A-a-a-a. 

8. P., Esq. — [Gets large sponge, pours a gallon of chloro- 
form, on it, then runs to her room with sponge ] Lord ! she has 
even now an attack ! Here is my bath sponge, and here is chloro- 
form, I will slash this on her face. [Exit, in a run, runs in 
again, and out at side, pretending to have gone to his Mother- 
in-law's room for her feather bed, brings bed in.] Here, I have 
my dear old Mother-in-law's feather bed, which I will pile on top 
of the sponge to prevent evaporation. [Exit in a run to Wife's 
room.] 

Mrs. 8. P— [A death rattling scream without.] Ah! O, Oh ! 
[Re-enter S. P., Esq. with downcast head] 

S. P-, Esq. — Oh! Jupiters and Venuses! [Sadly.] My wife is 
now cured contrariwise and I feel lonesome, and miss the delicate 
suppers I used to enjoy, seeing her going into with the zest of 
a Hottentot. Ah ! me ; ah ! most profound loneliness ! I do not 
think that my great mind is quite satisfied with this "Standard" 
cure-all practice ! It is not exactly the thing for a Christian, like 
myself, to cure and pickle all my patients, like dead swine in 
barrels ; and hence, I will take one step down the medical ladder 
to the Homeopathic platform of Similia Similibm (Jurentur! 
[Exit S. P., Esq. Enter Homeopathic Physicians and Ser- 
vants carrying a sick Man on a litter.] 

Professor Similibus. — Gentlemen, put down the litter. [Sick 
Max looks pale.] He has been badly injured. [Examines him. 
Physicians J?(^& around Patient in serious consultation.] What 
think my homeopathic brethren of this case ? please examine him. 

Dr. llomeo. — My dear friends, I have no hope — 
[Enter Simon Pure, Esq., with a rush.] 

S. P., Esq. — Halloo ! what is the matter, friends? [They sep- 
arate to expose the Patient to Simon Pure, Esq's., gaze.] 

Prof. S. — Dr. Simon Pure, Esq., this poor fellow has been 
thrown twenty feet into the air by a runaway horse, and we have 
no hope of his recovery ! What think you ? 

8. P-, Esq. — [Feels him a second.] Well, gentlemen and 
fellow citizens, it is my usual custom to drink in at a glance, every- 
thing that falls in my way; and as I have just made up my mind 
to turn Homeopath, and as you are of that gigantic faith, I will 
instanter bring into full force this almighty principle of Similia 
Similibus Curentur; which, it seems is not fully understood by 



26 Lessons in Search of Greatness; 

yourselves, as professors of the Homeopathic Medical College! 
Brethren, permit me, ahem ! to reiterate, that this is a heavy sur- 
gical case, therefore, in the name of the glorious Homeopathic 
motto: Similia Similibus Gurentur, bring the man tome. [He 
now jumps on a table. They, unseen having removed sick man 
and placed a light mummy on the Miter, which they hand 
Simon Pure, Esq.] Now, all ye small-minded fellows stand back, 
and observe how the latest style of Similia is rendered true to its 
all pervading and inexhaustable motto, namely : this man was made 
sick by a tumble and fall high in the air, and now behold simili- 
bus, after which you will recognize me as the "buster," who drank 
in the entire principle of Similia Similibus Garentur at a glance! 
[They have moved sofa, chairs, fyc., to center of stage, and then 
Simon Pure, Esq. throios the mummy up high and causes him 
to fall on said sofa, fyc All are thunderstruck. Simon Pure, 
Esq., smiles victoriously.'] 

Tableau. 

SECOND INTERMISSION. 

SCENE IX. 

Parlor of Mr. Loveliness. Miss Loveliness and Father. 

Miss Loveliness. — Father, I am charmed with Homeopathy ; it 
is a delightfully sweet way of being doctored, and Dr. Simon Pure, 
Esq., is a perfect expert; moreover, his sugar pills are as sweet as 
he is handsome and great — 

Mr. Loveliness. — Daughter, Simon Pure, Esq. is a very fickle 
fellow ! He is continually changing his tactics ; he never sticks to 
any one thing long, and therefore he is not to be relied upon in 
matters of love — 

Miss L. — But, I am sure he loves me more than any one else, 
for he has said so, and — 

Mr- L. — You were fool enough to believe him. He has only 
been a widower for a few months, and if his love could be relied 
upon, he would not have forgotten his wife already ! 

Miss L. — He has not forgotten her; but he says, that I put him 
in mind of her, because I look and act so much like she did, that 
he cannot live long without me ; and by this you can see that he 
loves and wants me ! 

Mr. L. — You are crazy ! Don't you know that he killed his wife ? 
Had he loved her so much, he would not hove treated her Alio- 
pathically. 

Miss L. — -You must know that he did not intend to kill her, but 
then he was an Old School doctor ; but now he is a full blooded 
Homeopath, whose prescriptions are comparatively harmless, still 
are very sweet — 

Mr. L. — I hope his love is as harmless as his Homeopathic 
Medicines, but — 

[Enter Simon Pure, Esq.] 

Si ui(, a Pure, Esq. — Good morning, my most lovely friend . I 



Or, Stepping Down the Ladder* 27 

am delighted to see you look so charming and happy. {Goes, to 
Miss L. pats her on the cheek.] You look sweeter than our infin- 
itesimal sugar philosophy, of which I am now a great advocate 
and almighty buster. Ahem ! I can beat any living man, or woman, 
at squelching the hydra-headed monster — disease. Since I have 
cured my wife by Allopathy, I have gotten a similar disease to 
what puppies have ; in fact, platonic and puppy-love is my com- 
plaint — 

Mr. L. — [Disgusted. Aside, shirts off.] The disgusting, soft 
fool! [Exit.] 

8- P., Esq. — [Stares at him, amazed.] Ahem ! hem ! [Aside.] 
Darn that old cox-comb ! He seems to be too stupid to appreciate 
intuitive greatness! Gads, but I hate snobs. [To Miss L.] say, 
Miss Loveliness, your father does not fully conceive the beauty of 
Similia SimiUbus Curentur; but it is otherwise with you and 
me ; is it not ? 

Miss L. — Certainly, we love Homeopathy as much as we love 
each other ! [Looks modest.] 

S. P., Esq. — [Looks shy and curious, hesitating what to 
say.] Well, hem ! Yes, but when I courted my dear wife, who 
loved me as much as I love Homeopathy ; and of course, I loved 
her similarly, and thus we cured each other of our complaints by 
taking the infinitesimal sugar potions of SimiUbus and by clutching 
in wedlock, we effected a perfect cure ! Verily, I loved her so 
much, at first, that I felt as if I could have eaten her up, but now, 
I have already another similar disease to that of my Homeopath- 
ically begotten wife — 

Miss L. — [Screams and faints.] A-a-a. 

8. P., Esq. — What in thunder struck you ? [Catches her in 
his arms, and lays her on lounge.] Now for my skill ! [Gazes 
at her in admiration.] Oh! My Mars! but I see several Home- 
opathic globules on her lips ! I'll cure her of a similar complaint ! 
[Kisses her amorously.] 

Miss L. — [Aroused.] Where am I? 

8. P., Esq. — Are you well ? Of course you are ; Homeopathy 
works wonders ! 

MlSS L. — Indeed it is charming ! 

8. P., Esq. — I warrant! If I had not been married a month 
ago lo my second wife I'd be tempted to wed you — 

Miss L. — Oh! Married! You married ! [Screams.] A-a-a. 
[Enter Servants.] 

8. P., Esq. — Please, take her into her bed room, and put her to 
bed, she is sick. [Exit Servants and Miss L. Enter Mrs. 
Simon Pure, Esq. — Mo. 2.] 

Mrs. Simon Pare — No. 2. — Simon, you know very well, that 
you often said when we were first married, that you loved me so 
much, that you could have eaten me up ; I felt the same then, but 
now I am very sorry, that I did not eat you up ! 

8. P., Esq. — Ditto, by my own greatness! Ha! ha! ha! 
Here is a similar disease again. You just have faith in Similia 
SimiUbus Curentur and be still until I go and sugar-pill a Shys- 



28 Lessons in Search of Greatness ; 

ter, who is sick for the want of greasy lucre, and who will get us 
a divorce ; hence, we keep intact, our virtuous Similibus princi- 
ple and Saccharine Lacta philosophy. 

Mrs. 8. P. — No. 2. — Oh ! noble and great, Simon Pure, Esq., 
you always have a remedy, and if it were not necessary to change 
our remedies sometimes, to produce new impressions, I almost 
swear that I would not adhere to our motto, but it is always 
better to be out of the world than out of the fashion ; therefore, I 
obey our holy Similibus, which must cause the infinitesimal spirit 
of Hahnamann to smile similarly ! [Smiles and grins.] 

&. P., Esq.- — By Jupiter and Venus, you are proving the infalli- 
bility of Similibus ; because you see how our similar loves were 
cured by the sweet dose of connubiality. Ahem ! All one has to 
do, when sick, in the Homeopathic practice is, to abstain from 
gross Allopathic doses of poison, live up to Nature's laws and have 
faith in sugary things, which are so sweet and easy to take, that 
even innocent babes, like you and I. cry for them, and thus our 
ills are instantly cured by simultaneous combustion ! Ha ! ha! ha ! 
{Touches her under the chin.] 

Mrs. S. P. — No. 2. — Ha! ha! ha! Noble Simon Pure, Esq., I 
must leave you now, having an engagement, with a young gentle- 
man, who is my new Similibuster ! {Exit laughing.] 

8. P., Esq. — {Looks after her, and acts jealous, $•<;.] P>y gad. 
I don't know as I like too much of that Similibuster 'ing. {Acts 
vexed and angry.] But, I hear some one come, it must be Miss 
Loveliness! {Smacks Ms lips.] She is the sugar pill for me ! 
Yes, the aroma arising from our similia-bussing has impregnated 
the atmosphere for miles around, so that thousands of married and 
single people, who suffered from similar diseases, partook of a 
similar dose of sweet Similibus, and to the utter astonishment of 
my own great self, all were made calm and healthy ! Now, in the 
name of all the trouble that I have ever had, whilst in search of 
greatness, what proved so delightful as stepping down the ladder 
to the sweet panaceas of Similia Similibus Curentur ? These 
delightful prescriptions produce no griping, no pain, no dread, 
short of a few months, anyhow ! hence, I universally recommend 
Homeopathy to all who sutler from theplantonic diseases that carry 
no huge complicated suppers — like my Allopathic wife, — nor for- 
eign matter of any kind with them through life ! {Smacks his 
lips.] I now, even now, feel like similia-bussing Miss Loveliness, 
who is coming this way. 

{Enter Miss Loveliness Singing.] 
Isn't she luscious? [ Wipes his mouth, opens his arms to her.] 
Come to my sweet bosom, you Homeopathic dose of Similia. 
{Kisses her amorously. Enter Mr. Loveliness with a huge 
cane.] 

Mr. L- — {Grasps Simon Pure, Esq.] Simon Pure, Esq., you 
are a turn-coat, and free-lover, two pro} cities, I despise, heme 1 
shall give you a taste of sugar cane in an Allopathic dose. 

8. P., Esq. — [Falls upon, his knees, implores, §*c] Indeed! 
indeed! Mr. Loveliness, I am damnably opposed t> Allopathic 



Or, Stepping Down the Ladder. 29 

doses of any kind, and I have had enough trouble in that line, and 
as I have discovered sweet Similibus, [Reaches for Miss L.] it 
hurts my feelings to be rudely torn away from my own devoted 
practice ! 

3/>. L.—[ Raises his cane as to strike, and shales him. ] r ool— 
8. P., Esq. — Yes, you are a fool, if you please — 
Mr. L.— [Raising cane.] You are a fool and married man, 
therefore take this ! '[Strikes; Simon Pure, Esq. dodges the blow, 
Miss L. runs in Simon Pure, Esq's, arms, the Old Man falls on 
the floor in missing Simon Pure, Esq. Simon Pure, Esq is 
again victorious, kisses and hugs Miss L. whilst the Old Man 
on floor stares in anger and amazement.'] 
Tableau. 

SCENE X. 
Sick Chamber. Mr. Nervous Sot and his Servant— Peter. 

Mr. Nervous Sot.— Peter ! Peter! [ Peter is asleep.] Damn that 
stupid fellow ; he can sleep, whilst I am cold, clammy, nervous 
[Jerks, having triangular spasms.] and jerky! Peter! 

Peter.— Oh! [Stretches himself '.] Master are you calling me? 

Mr. N. £.— Calling you! [Jerks awfully-] Well, yes, 1 think 
I have been calling you, you stupid sleepy-head ! Come, fool and 
give me my medicine. 

Peter— [Hands him some drug.] This is the last of the med- 
icine the doctor left ; and if I were you, I would try something 
hotter and more searching, than this. 

Mr. N. S.— Peter, you have a wise head ! I want something 
"hot and searching." 

[Enter Simon Pure, Esq. with saddle bags.] 
Dr. Simon Pure Esq., can't you give me something hot and 
searching? [Spasms continue to jerk him-] 

Simon Pure, ^.—Certainly, in a minute. [Aside.] Curse the 
old drunkard; he is so thoroughly galvanized and tanned in his 
insides, that I have long since exhausted every drug that is used by 
each practice now in vogue. [Meditates.] But let me see!^ Yes, 
sure as fate, I have never yet stepped down the ladder to Thorn - 
sonianism, which must now become my delight ! I'll send Peter 
for a Sweat Bath, Lobelia, No. 6, Third Preparation and a hot 
Grid-iron! [To Peter.] Peter, take this prescription [Hands him 
a paper.] To Dr. Thomson, and tell him to send me instantly 
all the hot and searching herbs that are used by the steam doctors! 

Peter. — I will do it quickly. [Exit.] 

8- P., Esq. [Aside.] Let me see! hem! Has Thomsonianism 

any motto? [Blinks, meditates and looks wise.] Yes, O yes ! this 
is it: "Warmth is life, and cold is death ?" My Mars, but wont 1 
warm him up, when Peter returns with them stuffs! 
[Enter Peter with Grid-iron, Medicines and Blankets for 
Bath.] 
Peter.— [Out of breath.] Ah ! I am tired out. [ Throtcs alt 
down at Simon Pure, Esq's, feet.] 



30 Lessons in Search of Greatness; 

8. P., Esq.— [Picks each up.] What is this? 
Peter- — A sweating blanket. 
8. P., Esq. — And what are these ? 

Peter- — This is the Grid-iron; you set him on it, then make fire 
under it, this way, [Shows how.] then you cover him up with 
this blanket, and give him this Lobelia, No. 6, Third Preparation 
— [Hands each separately to Simon Pure, Esq., who stares at 
Peter with indignant amazement.'] 

8. P., Esq. — Fool ! as if I didn't know how to work Thomso- 
nianism ? [Pushes Peter, and throws him on the floor.] Stand 
aside, idiot, and let me show my great dexterity at this last step 
down the medical ladder ! [Arranges things, and puts Patient 
in operation, firing up, ice.] 

Mr. iV. 8. — [Jerking vehemently.] My dear doctor, your 
medicines are all too weak ! Can't you warm me up ? 

8. P., Esq. — [Thunderstruck.] The devil they are. [Aside.] 
Thunder ! this sot is a perfect sheet-iron monitor ; fire, powder, 
bombs and grid-irons don't seem to faze him ! What shall I do 
with him ? Look, he jerks worse than ever ! Ye gods of peace, if 
1 could only get one second's relief from this twitchy and jerky 
patient, I'd give one-half of my greatness! The damn thing is 
soul-harrowing ! By St, Moses! a new idea strikes my great brain : 
I will give him a pint of Oil of Vitriol, which is the shrewdest 
body-heating stuff of the whole accursed Materia Medica ! Ha! 
ha! ha! This idea reminds me of the lively somersault that the 
thick headed Englishman effected, when I destroyed the nerve of 
his tooth ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! [Striking his knee.] Gads! he got hot 
enough, and Mr. Nervous Sot, will likewise snap and jump, when 
I give him this! [Is now preparing Oil of Vitriol.] I'll pre- 
pare myself to get out of his way, immediately after he takes it, 
because, I have got my new collar and vest on, which I don't 
wish injured by any didoes that he may make, for he will surely 
turn a violent somersault ! [To Mr. N. S.] Here, take this med- 
icine, it will heat you up, and cause you to jump, instead of those 
contemptible little jerks. 

Mr. N. S. — [Swallows it.] Blessed Doctor, your medicines 
are all too weak ; O, give me something stronger ! 

S- P., Esq. — [Holds his head.] Lord ! am I sane, and awake? 

Mr. JV". S. — It is a pity that you can't find something that 
would warm me up ! 

S. P., Esq. — Damnation ! Now, I'll cure your detestably unru- 
ly nerves, or I'll be teetotally squelched! [Grasps the red loot 
poker and singes him on his hands, face, bare arms, fyc.] 
Here, take that — 

Mr. N. 8. — Oh ! that feels good ! Please tickle me again with 
that flesh brush ! 

8. P., Esq. — [Staggers, looks bewildered, with eyes like sau- 
cers, aside.] Is this man alive, or is he dead ? or is he a devil or 
a spirit that speaks to me ? My great brain swims amidst the mys- 
teries of greatness. Now, by my burning soul, I'll have recourse 
to the last remedy, and which cured my Allopathic wife soundly ; 



Or, Stepping Down the Ladder. 31 

il is chloroform on my bath sponge. Here it is. [Get* sponge, 
pours chloroform on it, and slaps it on his face-'] Here, that's 
my last and most gigantic remedy! [Looking delighted, then 
amazed. ] 

Mr. N~. 8. — [Sucks sponge.'] Blessed doctor, O how sweet and 
delicious! Please give me more. 

8. P., Esq. — [Acts mad.] Here, I'll put four additional gal- 
lons on sponge. [Applies it again. But Mr. N. S. sucks worse 
and nastier than before, dries it in a moment, and cries for 
more.] 

Mr. N. £.— Give me more, more, more! [Calms down a nil 
screams.] A-a-a. 

[Enter Family.] 

8. P-, Esq. — [Looks horror stricken and stands like a statue, 
with eyes fixed on Mr. N. S., who falls limber on his back.] 

Tableau. 
THIRD INTERMISSION. 

SCENE XI. 

Street Scene. Stump speech by Simon Pure, Esq. Crowd of 
Spectators. 

Simon Pure, Esq. — Fellows and Citizens : Hear me for my 
cause, and keep quiet that you can understand my lofty princi- 
ples ! I was born to be the greatest man that ever lived ! [Bois- 
terous laughter, fyc] 

Spectators.— Hal ha! ha! ha! [Point at him.] 

Boy. — Look at the sap-head. Ha ! -ha ! ha ! 

S. P., Esq. — [Indignant] Yes, I'd have you all know, that 
I have risen in this world of trouble, with an agility that is 
wonderful to behold — 

Boy. — Risen with an agility ! Ha ! ha ! 

Spectators. — [Boar.] Ha! ha! ha! 

8. P., Esq. — Damn you stupid lubbers, have I not told you to 
be quiet and hear me for my cause ? [Looks haughty.] Ahem ! 
My cause, is your cause; and if you will vote for me for Judge 
of the Supreme Court for Criminals, I will convince you in my 
first decision that I am the greatest man that ever lived and ruled 
a lot of ragamuffins like yourselves. 

Spectators. — [Look at each other with indigna nt amaze men t. ] 
Shut pan. 

Boy.— No, let the old puddin'-head go on ; he can't do any 
harm. 

8. P., Esq. — -Good for you, my Boy ; I'll make you my private- 
secretary ! But now I wish to tell you how I have made a slight 
mistake in the onset of my great career, as many common people 
have done ! Ahem ! 

Spectators.— [Laugh quietly.] Ha! ha! 

8- P., Esq. — Now, for the sake of your country, I invoke you 
to keep serious and quiet, until I deliver myself of the inhereni 



32 Lessons in Search of Greatness; 

disgust I have for the professional men of this era ! [Applause.'] 
(lood, by my own great stars, you appreciate lofty sentiments, and 
if you will only shut up your damn mouths, until I unload the 
burden of my soul, I will astonish you ! Will you keep quiet ? 
Spectators. — [All are quiet.] Yes! Yes; of course. 
S. P., Esq. — [Spreads himself.] Well, noble and distinguished 
[ Winks aside.] hearers, I was born a stupid dutch Pennsylvania 
hoy! 1 was, however, imbued with the spirit of Napoleon I. But, 
where I made my mistake, in the beginning of my search of great- 
ness, was, that I stepped fearlessly into the Medical Profession, and 
although I instantly took to all the pathies, or medical systems; 
like a sucking pig takes to its lactiferous mother, which is a hy- 
pothesis from head to tail — 
Boy. — What is a hypothesis ? 

S. P., Esq. — Noble boy, if you wish to become my private 
secretary! Ahem! You must keep private in your remarks; 
because, [ With an indignant flourish.] I am no walking dic- 
tionary; but, on this one momentous occasion, I will define this 
word, or these saints might think, I was too ignorant to give you the 
meaning of "hypothesis." [With a flourish-] I said, that the 
Medical Profession was a hypothesis from head to tail ! [ Waits 
for a, reply and stares at Spectators.] 
Spectators. — Yes ! yes ! 

S. P., Esq. — Well then ; I'll prove it to you ; I began with the 
big dose system, called Allopathy, which was synonymous to the 
top of the ladder, and finding that my great brain was not pulsa- 
ting calmly under the ministrations of the Standard Allopathic 
practice, I instantly took one step down that hypothetical ladder 
unto Homeopathy, but finding no staple relief in the little sugar 
pill system, I stepped down through all the other hypothetical 
modes of curing people, and I succeeded sometimes pretty well in 
quieting my patients ; but I came across a beast of a jerky, twitchy 
sot, whom I could not quiet with anything, and this proved my 
assertion, that the Medical Profession is a hypothesis from head 
to tail ; because, there is no reliance to be placed on medicines, 
now you have the meaning of hypothesis. However, I once had 
a notion to become a "Doctor of Nature," but the idea instantly 
gurgled into my sweet mouth : If you do that, you will be taken 
for a quack and will commit the unpardonable sin ; hence, I left 
the Medical Profession in abhorrent disgust; and this is my apolo- 
gy for appearing before you this beautiful evening as a candidate 
for the honor of Judge of the Supreme Court for Criminals ! [Ap- 
plause.] Thanks! [Bows profoundly.] Oh! I feel it in my 
great soul, that you will all vote for me ! if you do, I'll judge you 
damn smoothly when you will be tried for theft, murder, bigamy 
and such ; but, Oh ! wo, be unto the man or beast who does not 
vote for me, after what I have said and done ! [Applause.] 
Millions of thanks ! [Aside.] They take. I bet they have heard 
of some of my former acts. [To them.] In conclusion, I wish to 
remind you, that I am an independant candidate ! I despise par- 
ties and sects, but if any corrupt Republican, drunken Democrat 



Or, Stepping Down the Ladder. 33 

or virtuous Reformer wishes to vote for me, I am not the man who 
will put his great foot upon that man or woman who thus votes 
for me ; but, by jingoes, I nearly forgot one very important thing ; 
that is, the Woman Question. I am a "buster" on beautiful, 
charming women ! 

Spectator*. — [Boar.'] Ha! ha! ha! 

8. P., Esq. — That seems to make you tear your tarnal ugly 
mouths wide open, but if you are too stupid to appreciate this 
question of your mamma's, you are not fit to vote for me ; and they 
who dare to ascribe evil motives to women, because they want to 
go to the polls to vote and fight on election day, are jackasses, 
with long ears inside of their befuddled brains. 

Spectators. — [Manifest displeasure.] Ho-0-0. 

8. P-, Esq. — You may well grunt. 

[Enter a lot of Strong Minded Women.] 
Look, here come the dam-sells of my choice. [ To Women.] La- 
dies of the ballot, I have just this moment pictured your rights to 
this crowd of fellows, who kind of groaned, when I shoved your 
lawful rights under their pug noses! But, [Grins and smiles.] 
I'll be darned, if I wouldn't rather be elected by your votes, as an 
independent candidate for Judge of the Supreme Court for Crimi- 
nals, than by these [Points to Spectators.] ragamuffins, and if 
you will elect me, damn me, if I don't sentence every son of a 
mother, of this crowd, [Points to them.] for life the moment I sit 
on that lofty bench ! [ A riot takes place; Spectators throw things 
at Simon Pure, Esq. The Women surround him, and dash 
things back; Simon Pure, Esq. is elevated by Women.] 

Tableau. 

SCENE XII. 

Court Room. Simon Pure, Esq. on the bench. Male and 
Female Lawyers. Criminals tried. Female Jury. 

Simon Pure, Esq. — Order in the Court. [Pointing to Spec- 
tators.] Say, you fellows, you must behave in this august Court, 
[ They are all as quiet as mice.] you are not at a political meet- 
ing now, where I am making a speech, begging for your dirty 
votes, and I warn you in due time, that I am an immaculate and al- 
mighty Court, and if you misbehave in the very least; especially, 
you male cattle who have opposed woman's rights, I'll be da — 
[Stops, halts and changes this word.] be blasted, if I don't im- 
prison you in the dungeons of the Penitentiary for your natural, 
contemptible lives ! Ahem ! Do you hear that, and do you see my 
greatness now? Ahem ! I suppose you know now that I was born 
to be the greatest man that ever lived ! [Looks at Lawyers.] Go 
on with those cases of repeating at the polls. 

Mrs. Prosecuting Attorney. — [A strong minded Woman.] 
Which are they, your noble honor? 

S. P., Esq. — [Haughty.] Ahem ! It is some of that white trash 
over there ! [Points amongst the Spectators.] Bring them into 



34 Lessons in Search of Greatness; 

the dock ! I forfeit, all bail in my immaculate Court ; hence, pris- 
oners must be put into the dock. 

Officer. — Which of them shall I put in the dock? 

8. P-, Esq. — MeClure, Quids, Peirce, Stokley, Gibbons, and 
every one else, who voted against me, and belong to the political 
"rings." I'll have no rings outside of female society! [Officer 
dfags a dozen or more into dock. To Prisoners.] That is the 
place for you ! [Strike* desk with gavel.] I'll plaster your nests, 
for your attempts and conspiracies to deprive women from voting, 
you beasts ! Mrs. Prosecuting Attorney, take the floor and smear 
these fellows over with all the dirt that they have thrown at you 
for centuries, and when you have done, I'll give the defence a min- 
ute to beslime and slander the prosecution, after which I'll charge 
this delicate jury to convict every son of an old fogy mother ! Ahem! 
I have done for the present. [Aside.'] I guess they understand 
where greatness lies by this time ! [Haughtily.] 

Mrs. P. A. — [>1 most disgustingly strong-mi ruled Woman.] 
Your noble honor, [Judge bows profoundly.] and Ladies of the 
Jury, these usurpers [Pointing to Prisoners.] have all been found 
ring-leaders against the woman's cause, therefore I have had them 
indicted for high treason and woman slaughter. 

Gt P-, Esq. — [Aside.] A great woman, and a just indictment. 
Ahem ! Don't ever tell me again, at the risk of your life and free- 
dom that women are inferior to men ! Look at her? [Smiles.] 

Mrs. P. A. — Firstly, Treason, because they have conspired 
against our rights as independent citizens and voters. Secondly, 
woman slaughter, because they have murdered our principles of 
freedom, equality and justice. Gentlemen of the Jury ! Oh ! damn 
the gentle-me?*; I mean, Gentlewomen of the Jury. [To Judge.] 
Your noble Honor, you see that our minds have been so enslaved 
all our lives by men, that we forget to use gentle woman's name, 
when addressing a jury of our peers ! 

8. P-, Esq. — You are an angel, and if I were not congenitally a 
great man, I'd step down and proclaim you even my equals ; but 
of course, the dignity of the bench, which is damn hard, [Point* 
to it.] would be lowered by such an act; however, nevertheless* 
etceteras, etceteras, I swear by a s^ack of Bibles as high as Hamen. 
where I intend to hang these fellows, [Points to Prisoners.] 
that you are the greatest woman that ever breathed a contemptible- 
father's breath ! Go on, and let your oratorical tongue wag at 
these carrion monsters, who have sneered and jeered at every at- 
tempt gentle woman has ever made in her own behalf! Yes, give 
them a thousand fold more than they bargained for, and when you 
have done with them, I'll astonish the civil righters. [Striken 
desk.] Silence in the Court. [Ealls back e.vha usied.] 

Mrs. Pt A. — In conclusion, Gentlewomen of the Jury, you need 
not mind anything that the man-lawyer may say to you, but re- 
member our old grudge and let us vent our feminine spleen on 
these cut-throats, as they have always done, before the Honorable 
Judge Simon Pure, Esq., rose to the dignity of dictator and 



Or, Stepping Down the Ladders 35 

womans righter! I have finished for the present, now let Mr. Man 
make his defence. 

Mr- Man. — Your Honor — 

S. P., Esq. — [Strikes the desk vehemently and yells.'] Stop, 
stop ! when you address the bench, say : Your noble Honor ! Now, 
proceed with great caution, or I'll be-he-darned, if I don't send 
you below for life for contempt, you most dastardly and con- 
temptible male fool ! 

Mr- M. — Your noble Honor — [Judge looks 'pleased.'] and 
Gentlemen of the Jury — 

S. P., Esq.— \_hi a rage] Gentle-women of the Jury. {Strikes 
desk.] 

Mrs. P. A. — Your most, noble Honor, Mr. Man meant to be 
sarcastic, when he said Gentlemen of the Jury, because he remem- 
bered well enough that I made that mistake — 

8- P., Esq. — So he did ! So he did. [ To Mr. M.] Sit down, 
Mr. Man, instantly, or I'll squelch you with contempt. 
Mr. M. — I'll note an exception to the ruling of the Court. 
S- P., Esq.— [Rises amazed.] What, what ! dare you presume 
to do such a thing ? Do you know that you have no masculine 
bummer, no politician, no ring leader, no weak kneed conspirator 
who can be bribed on this bench ? But I am Simon Pure, Esq., 
the greatest man that ever lived, and I search for greatness among 
the woman portion of this superior century, which is honored by 
my birth and steps, such as no century ever was ! [Applause by 
Ladies.] Good, good! most delicious sisters; I love you as man 
never loved ! Hang me, if I don't marry every one of you, and 
start a salted lake right here ; and so long as I am the Judge of 
the Supreme Court for Criminals, I can squelch all bigamy trials; 
but, should I catch any of these masculine cattle [Pointing to 
Men.] having more than one wife, I'd send them up for life, so 
let them beware ! beware! [Strikes desk.] It behooves me, and 
me alone, to enjoy a nation of ladies' society. Ahem ! Because, 
I say, because, I am their advocate, their protector from the on- 
slaughts of the beastly men ! Silence in the Court ! [Strikes desk, 
but no one made any noise.] 

]l[ r . J/. — [Eises.] May it please your noble Honor, to let me 
finish — 

S. P., Esq.— [Strikes desk and yells.] No Sir, my noble 
Honor wont be pleased by you, and you have finished, so sit down, 
and don't dare to get up again until I give you my consent. [To 
Mrs. P. A.] Lovely sister, go on, and close for the common pov- 
erty, formerly called by the men officials, Commonwealth! by 
way of clearing my throat ; hem ! hem ! do you know why they 
called it the Commonwealth ? 

Mrs. P. A. — No Sir, your noble Honor. 

8. P., Esq. — Because they stole enough from the state to make 
them wealthy ; and it being so common among these male cattle 
[Points to them.] to steal and get wealthy, and hence the nomen- 
clature — Commonwealth ; but now as the Woman's cause is in 
power, we don't steal, we only take ; but we find that the State is in 



36 Lessons ij^Search of Greatness; 

debt over head and ears, hence, we shall call it the Commonpoverty ! 
This is my definition after the latest lexicographer's style ! [To 
Mrs. P. A.] Please go on, and finish your address to the Gentle- 
women of the Jury ! 

Mrs. P. A. — [Rises."] Gentlewomen of the Jury, it is not neces- 
sary for me to prolong my remarks, you have had ample argument 
from the bench. — [All are quiet.'] 

S. P., Esq. — [Hammers desk fiercely and yells.] Silence in 
the Court. 

Mrs. P. A. — Therefore, bring in a verdict of guilty for treason 
and woman slaughter, against all those who are in the deck, and 
may heaven have mercy on their souls ! His most noble Honor, 
will charge you according to law ! 

8. P., Esq. — Gentlewomen of the Jury find instantly, as directed 
by our superior Prosecuting Attorney. 

Jury. — [ Whisper a moment.] Guilty, guilty, guilty. [Fore- 
woman rises.] 

S. P., Esq. — What say you, exquisite Forewoman of the Jury? 
Guilty, or not guilty ? 

Forewoman. — Guilty in the highest degree. 
8. P., Esq. — [Throws documents into the air and shouts.] 
Glorious! May the peace and comfort of this feminine nation 
spread amongst the four winds of the earth, and thrill with terror 
every masculine heart, whilst the dam-sells will glory in riding 
rough-shod over their former opponents. [To Prisoners.] Rise 
up, each one of you, and say your prayers; because, this inexora- 
ble and immaculate Court sentences all of you to be hung in five 
minutes by your tarnal ugly necks, until you are teetotally defunct. 
[Judge and Jury rise with uplifted hands and ioiih smiles 
upon their countenances, whilst the Spectators and Prisoners 
droop their heads and sigh.] 

Tableau. 

FOURTH INTERMISSION. 

SCENF XIII. 

Street Scene. A Woman's Political Meeting. Simon Pure, 
Esq., and Strong-Minded Women of all colors. 
Miss Domineer. — Ladies, we have arrived at a period of Wo- 
man's Rights, when our colored ladies should have equal rights 
with the colored men ! [Applause.] We want a Woman's Civil 
Rights Bill passed in our next Congress ; and although I don't 
deem it pre-requisite to have such a bill drawn up by a man, so 
far as its merits go, still it would look more generous and have a 
better effect upon the masculine cattle in Congress, if it were pre- 
sented by a great statesman and jurist, like Simon Pure, Esq., 
whose virtues and greatness are world wide. [Deafening ap- 
plause by Colored Women.] I, therefore, nominate the greatest 
man of any age as an Independent Woman's Candidate for Con- 
gress. What is your pleasure, ladies ? 



Or, Stepping Down the. Ladder. 37 

Spectator*. — Hear! hear! hear! 

Miss D. — Yes, hear, hear ! I do hear, but shall we nominate 
him unanimously? 

Spectators. — Yes, yes, yes. 

Miss D. — Therefore, let she who is opposed to the unanimous 
nomination of Simon Pure, Esq., for Congress manifest it now, if 
she dare, by shouting no ! [All are silent.] Unanimously nomi- 
nated. [ Tremendous applause and shouting.] I move now 
that a committee of five sisters, three American and two African, 
be appointed to wait upon the most honorable Judge Simon Pure, 
Esq., and invite him to accept the nomination. 

Spectators — > Hear ! hear ! 

Miss D. — I shall nominate sisters Hannah Straight Jacket, 
Katy Stan Ton, Susan Aunt Sony, Dinah Dark and Tinted Swan, 
who will instantly wait upon his noble honor and invite him into 
our august presence. [Exit COMMITTEE.] Ahem! Now, beloved 
sisters, I breathe freer, and I am convinced that this great man, 
this Woman's advocate, will use his utmost endeavors to have a 
Woman's Civil Rights Bill passed, so that our colored sisters can 
enjoy the society of the common white male trash ! 
[Enter Simon Pure, Esq., and Committee, arm in arm. A 
Negress next to his noble honor.] 

Miss D. — [Shouts, assisted by Spectators.] Hurrah! for the 
most honorable Simon Pure, Esq. Three cheers for his greatness. 
[All hands.] Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah! 

Simon Pure, Esq. — [Bows profoundly, and kisses his hands 
right and' left to Ladies.] You overpower and overshower me 
with sweet scented honors and compliments. 

Miss D. — Conduct his highness to our platform ! [He is so 
conducted and seated.] It gives my maiden soul endless joy, and 
swells my breast with talismanic ecstacy to be able to announce 
to you, [Boies eery gratefully to Simon Pure, Esq. ] your most 
noble honor, that we have unanimously nominated you for the 
next Congress of the United States ; and you, my dear brother, 
[Embraces him.] know that a nomination is quite equivalent to 
an election ! [Black and White Sisters gather closely around 
him, embracing and kissing him.] And I hope you will accept 
the nomination. 

S. P. Esq. — [Rises. The Sisters keep close to him.] Most 
angelic, worthy, luscious, great, sweet and enchanting ladies, I 
swear, [Strikes his breast and wipes his eyes.] I-I-I, excuse me! 
[Bursts out in a crying fit.] I am so overcome! [They fan 
him.] I am so overjoyed that I can scarcely utter forth the 
speech which quivers in my bosom ! But, but, let me, firstly, 
assure you that when I take my seat in Congress, I wont take any 
Pacific Railroad, Credit Mobilier, or any other stock for services; 
but I'll prove true to you; you, my noble benefactresses! [Happy 
now.] You, my sugar and molasses dam -sells! You, who have 
been overlooked, down-trodden, libeled, besmeared and harassed 
by a set of ink-suckers and whelps, who are too all-fired stupid to* 
either understand or appreciate the physiological development 



38 Lessons in Search of Greatness; 

and pathological wants of refined womanhood! [Atffie.} This is 
the place to pile on some of my great medical dexterity, being 
now damn near down the ladder. [ To them.] I am so aroused, 
[Becomes awfully excited. 1 that 1 could jump down some of 
your dam-sell's throats! [They now hug and kiss him.'] Oh! 
Ah! [Sighs. Aside.] Ye gccls of Cupid, if Mrs. Simon Pure, 
Esq., No. 3, should see this, she'd kick up particular hell. [To 
(hem.'] T am vastly grateful for these extra honors, but, hark ! 
Methinks I hear the voice of my wife, Mrs. Simon Pure, Esq., 
No. 3. 

[EntefMbs. Simon Pure, Esq., No. 3.] 
Oh ! there she is ! [Acts uneasy. Ladies hold him.} 

Mrs. Simon Pure, Esq., No. 3. — [Gazes at him for a mo- 
ment, then rushes upon platform, jerks Womkn aside, grabs him 
by the ear, shales him-'] 6, Oh ! You scoundrel, I have caught 
you this time. [ To Women.] And you miserable free-lovers ought 
to be hung! [Still holds on to his ear. Ladies loo k amazed. 
6, P., Esq., winces under pain of his ear. Mrs. S. P., turns 
toward him to strike him; he jerks away from her; a darkey 
wench grasps her, draws her back; S. P., Esq., strikes a victor- 
ious 'attitude; Woman's righters smile, fyc] 

Tableau. 

SCENE XIV. 

United Steites Senate Chamber, Nearly One Half Eemale 
Members, and Severed Male and Female Colored Mem- 
bers. White Male Members sit with feet on desks or 
tables, reading newspapers, chewing tobacco and 
smoking pipes and segars. Miss Speaker in 
the Chair. 

Thaddeus Stevens, Jr. — [Colored young buck.} I rise, Mia 
Speaker, this morning, to introduce a resolution in this progressive 
Senate in behalf of our down-trodden colored sisters! [White 
Males stare at him, with papers and segars in hand, to list, ,1 
What is Coming.} Thanks, to the great men of former days, for 
our own Civil Rights ! 

[Enter Simon Pure, Esq.] 

Simon Pure, Esej. — [ With a huge green bag in one hand. 
books and papers in the oilier.} What do I hear? [Rushes in 
front of SPEAKER'S desk.} I am Simon Pure, Esq., the greatest 
man that ever lived ; I have been in search of greatness all my no- 
ble life ; and I have taken step by step down the ladder ; and now. 
most immaculate Miss Speaker. I have reached the bottom of the 
ladder. Ahem ! I am a Woman's Rights Senator, and I am here to 
pass this bill, [ Unrolls immense scroll.} which I call the Wo- 
man's Civil Rights Bill ; and which will make things odoriferous 
all around. [Looks at Darkey Members, who smile and grin.} 
I am an almighty "buster," and — 

Mr. Democrat. — [Iiises, angered.] You are a fool! 



Or, Stepping Down the Ladder. 39 

8. P., Esq. — Mars and lightning, [ Throws Ms things on floor, 
and strikes one of his favorite pugilistic attitudes.'] now am I 
as mad as a distempered bull ! [Snorts and spits.] Do you know 
who I am ? [Stares and looks daggers at him. The- whole Sen- 
ate is aroused.] I am the only great man that ever lived ! I have 
risen like a thunder cloud in a whirlwind; and I have cured 
thousands of whelps like you in the twinkling of an eye when they 
stepped into my path ! And I am fully equipped to hurl any car- 
rion ring leaders, like you, billions of fathoms into forgetfulness ! 
Ahem ! [ Foaming- J Do you comprehend your perilous situation ? 
If you don't, beware in the hour of your dirty existence or you 
may speak when you are defunct, dead, nnd can't recall your rash 
act toward an innocent saint like myself? [Senator sits down- 
looking scared.] Ahem! [Aside.] I have settled his hash. 
[ Takes his sent, exhausted.] 

T. S., Jr. — Miss Speaker, I rise to say, amen to every worq 
that the Hon. Simon Pure, Esq., has uttered, and as long as we are 
now becoming a majority, I propose that Senator Simon Pure, 
Esq., will forthwith present his Woman's Civil Rights Bill — 

Mr. D. — The infamy of some of our would-be Statesmen is 
becoming oppressive, and for my part, Miss Speaker, I object to 
the introduction, at this time, of any bill that has reference to the 
Woman's hobby — 

S. P., Esq. — [Rises in a rage.] Officers, put that ruffian out. 
I'll commit him for contempt, for the balance of his disgusting 
and ruffian life ! 

White Senators. — [Fairly scream.] Ha! ha! ha! ha! 

S. P., Esq. — [Foaming.] You think that damned funny, don't 
you ? If you are not very careful, I'll send every one of you copper- 
heads along with Mr. Democrat, and then the laugh will be on the 
other side of your rot gut and cud mouths! [Chews fast and 
hard, in imitation of the White Male tobctcco chewers.] 
Mum ! .Am-nuim ! [Spits as they do.] Filthy blasts ! You are a 
fit set to make laws for delicate ladies and innocent children ! The 
hangman's rope would be a more fitting gear for the likes of you ! 
[Turns up Ms nose at them.] Go, go, hide your diminished 
heads and rotten mouths under a bushel ! 

White Senators. — [Become serious and white with rage and 
shout in concert.] Put him out! 

S. P., Esq. — I call upon all the progressive members of even 
color, age and sex to stand up for Republican Civil Rights. 

Woman's Advoceites. — [All rise to their feet.] Hear, hear ! 

S. P., Esq.— [Points to White Senators. ] Where are you now. 
[To his friends.] Noble and mighty immaculate civil reformers, 
I now propose to chuck this bill, [Picks up his scroll.] under 
the noses of this white trash, and I want immediate and decisive 
action upon it! [To the Chair.] Miss Speaker, I invoke your ma 
jestie co-operation — 

MlSS S. — The Hon. Simon Pure, Esq., has the right to the 
floor ! 

S. P., Esq.— [Frowns at white trash.] Ahem! hem! [lieadt 



jo Lessons in Search of Greatness ; 

bill.'"] To the Honorable Senators who arc of sound progressive 
minds, greeting: 

1. Be it enacted, that the Colored Ladies of the United States 
arc hereby lawfully privileged to court, kiss, marry and so forth, 
the white trash, the same as the others do. 

2. Be it enacted, that a Colored Lady is at any time as fond of 
good things, and fonder, as the white trash. 

3. Be it enacted, that a buck nigger is any fellow who is too 
niggardly to give the Colored Ladies the right and title to their 
full force of smell, taste, touch, sight and feeling. 

4. Be it enacted, that hereafter, if any of the white male trash 
refuse to be hugged and kissed by any Colored Lady, he shall 
have his nerves of sensation cauterized. 

5. Be it enacted, that all Colored Ladies shall hereafter be 
privileged to go to bed last in winter, so that their husbands can 
warm a spot and then roll out of it for their wives. 

6. Be it enacted, that everything else that has been omitted in 
this bill, shall be included, especially that no Colored Ladies shall 
ever be arrested for stealing from white male Senators, etceteras, 
etceteras, etceteras, etceteras, etceteras. So it be. Thus endeth 
the Woman's Civil Rights Bill which has caused me to step down 
the ladder on solid ground ! Ahem ! [Sits down satisfied.] 

T. S r , Jr. — I move that this bill be passed at once," and that a 
vote of thanks be tendered the Honorable Senator, Simon Pure, 
Escp 

Negress. — I second that motion. 

Miss 8. — It is moved and seconded, that the bill before the Sen- 
ate shall be passed ! Are you ready for the question ? 

W's. A. — [Eise and shout in concert.] Question, question ? 

W. S's. — [Eise also same time and shout at once.] Miss 
Speaker! Miss Speaker ! 

Miss S. — [Strikes desk furiously with gavel.] Silence in the 
Senate ! [ Quiet is established. ] It has been a custom from time 
immemorial, in Parliament and in this Senate to give the members 
an opportunity to discuss the merits and demerits of a bill before 
its final passage. 

W's. A. — O, for shame ! Miss Speaker! Hiss s-s-s. 

8. P., Esq. — [Springs to his feet.] I object to any such non- 
sense, and if our immaculate Chairwoman, Miss Speaker has the 
soul of a turtle, she will remember that these [Pointing to the 
OPPONENTS.] male inksucker have been gabbling and cutting up 
their monkey shines long enough in this Senate Chamber, there- 
fore I object to the preposterous proposition of the chair! These 
are progressive times ! Haven't I stepped down the ladder, instead 
of up, as usually has been the custom by these bloody bummers; 
[Points to OPPONENTS.] and haven't I sacrificed almost my own 
comforts for the Woman's Civil Rights Bill, and am I to be insul- 
ted ; I, the greatest man that ever lived, by adhering to any old 
fogy custom that has been run through every political thief and 
numbscull "from time immemorial?" I say, pass the bill now or 
bust up ! 



Or, Stepping Down the Ladder. 41 

W's. A. — [Shout.] Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! for Simon 
Pure, Esq. 

T. S., Jr. — [Jumps upon a desk.'] Let us pass this bill, and then 
proclaim the most Honorable Simon Pure, Esq. — President and 
Dictator of the United States during his natural life ! 

Ws. A. — Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! [Now the grandest 
row takes place, that any disorderly set of cut-throats could 
create. Men, Women, black and white shouting and jumping 
up and down like fools.] 

8. P., Esq. — [Rises and strikes a dictatorial attitude; all 
become silent.] Noble friends, fellows [Points to his Opponents.] 
and citizens; heretofore any thing could be bought in this coun- 
try, from a sucking pig to the highest office of this immaculate 
and almighty republic, but I'll be jerked into flinters by nitro gly- 
cerine, if this buying thing&.shan't stop the moment I am Dictator 
or President ! I don't care a continental mill-dam, whether you 
make me Dictator or President, because I can take all the presents 
that can be mentioned in twenty seven years, and thereby squelch 
any male sot of a President by my inherent greatness — [His Oppo- 
nents now make for him, but are checked by i/w Women and 
Colored Men, the latter surround Simon Pure, Esq.] 

Miss S. — [Comes forward.] I pronounce, the Honorable 
Simon Pure, Esq., President and Dictator of this country during 
his natural life ! 

W's. A. — Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! [Two Colored God- 
desses of Liberty crowd forward with flags and bring Simon 
Pure, Esq., upon the Speaker's desk; flags are flung around 
him. Simon Pure, Esq., embraces the Goddesses. Music] 

Tableau. 



THE END. 



\ 






'< 






* 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 






III 

016 103 871 4 * 



DR. S. M. LANDIS' NEW I 

TO 

STAR ACTORS, ACTRESSES 

AND 

MANAGERS OF THEATRES. 

DR. S. M. LANDIS, Author and Proprietor of the following 

Entirely Original Plays, offers the same to "Stars" and 

to Managers of Theatres. He will lease or sell these 

riays, or, if desired, portray the "Star" 

characters himself, viz : 

1. The Great American Spectacular Drama, entitled, THE 
DEVIL'S KINGDOM. Prologue, Five Acts and 
Several Tableaux. Dr. Landis as The Devil. A lady can 
play this character — The Devil. 

2. The "Prophetic" War Drama, entitled, THE SOCIAL 
WAR OF 1900; or, THE CONSPIRATORS 
AND LOVERS. Five Acts and Ten Grand Tableaux. 
Dr. Landis as Dr. Victor Juno- A lady ''Star" as Miss 
Lucinda Armington. 

3. Tragic Tableau Comedy, entitled, LESSONS IN 
SEARCH OF GREATNESS; or, STEPPING 
DOWN THE LADDER. Four Intermissions and 
Fourteen Scenes. Each Scene closing with an Exciting Tab- 
leau. Dr. Landis as Simon Pure, Esq. 

4. Stirring Comedy Drama, entitled, THE INSANE 
LOVER; or, FATE OF THE LIBERTINE. 

Three Acts and Seven Tableaux. Dr. Landis as Luane Lover. 

5. Soul- Harrowing Tragedy, entitled, THE FIEND; or, 
TORTURER OF INNOCENCE. Two Acts and j 
Seven Tableaux. Dr. Landjs as The Fiend. 

AddR 

DR. S. M. LANDIS, 

No. 13 N. eleventh Street, Philadelphia, Pa 



SPECIAL NOTICE.} -Plays will 
" Stars " of either sex, of r or " Stock 



be written to order for 
Companies." 



1 



-. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



016 103 871 4 



